Wifes best friend is a guy.

[Troubled]

Hey, I know this is off the beaten path for a fishing website, but I've been here for so long you people feel like family, and I have no one to bounce this off of.

In short, I've been married for 4 years. When we were going together my wifes friend Randy called continuously. As we got more serious, I asked Randy, with the approval of my soon to be wife to back off, that she was soon to be married, and my wife. Three years later, after getting married himself, Randys wife died of lung cancer, and upon hearing about it, my wife asked if it would be OK to give him someone to talk to. I agreed, but now, twomonths later, Randy is calling, coming over almost daily. My wife and I are at odds over this everyday. She says I have no right to pick her friends, and I guess shes right, but my stomach is in knots over this constantly. I've tried to just go along with it, but its really affecting me and our marriage, and now I feel its my fault.

Just wondering how you guys would handle a situation where your wifes best friend is a guy, or for that matter if your husbands best friend is a woman. Just looking for ideas, thoughts, criticisms, whatever.

Thanks!

[Unlogged T-Mac]

I would feel like you do. I have no advice, but I'd be worried, too.
Yours is a tough position to be in. It would be for me anyway.

Hopefully, somebody more open minded, will probably have some good ideas for you.

[Hoosier]

I've been married for 18yrs and we have always lived by the fact that if it bothered her/me the other would quit. She is right you have no right to pick her friends BUT I would have to ask "husband vs friend".

You either trust her(and she trusts you) or you do not as there is no middle ground. Marriage should be 1st(before friends). I understand her being concerned for her friend but not at the risk of her marriage?

[iwouldworry2]

guys and gals being friends don't work sooner or later the guy will try and make a move and sooner or later women "give in"

if she repects and luvs you she will tell this cat enough is enough. Go find some other women to be your friend. U can never control if someone will wander but you don't have to put up with feeling second fiddle. if it was reversed and you were talking with an old girlfriend s@*t would hit the fan guranteed and if it did not then she probally don't care about ya that much anyway. draw the line stand your ground. if she really luvs ya she'll understand. coming over to your house ....screw that!!!

[MoWalleyeguy]

I would feel like you do also. What if the shoe was on the other foot? My wife isnt the jealous type but she would not approve of that much communication with someone of the opposite sex.

Not to get all biblical or religous but my wife and I recently went through a bible study on marriage. One of the topics was how you spend time with the opposite sex. Basicly you should never put yourself into temptation and that means avoiding doing things with someone else like going to lunches, dinners, business trips, etc. Many times this can lead into doing the wrong thing.

It would be good to sit down with her and really express your concerns and why. I know she is maybe not seeing it but she needs too. Its just wrong for her to continue doing that.

[N8ARW]

IMHO, Hoosier has it nailed...Basically her best male friend should be you, and you (and your marriage) should come first. Her having male friends is not unreasonable (nor should your having female friends) but if she picks this male friend over you, it's pretty clear where she stands. Just my .02 after 26 years of marriage.

[Steve B]

I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to put up with the situation you're in.

I'm sure there are times when a man and woman can/could carry on a purely platonic and healthy relationship. I hope this is the case with what you're going through.

[Overdalimit unlogged]

I agree with all of the previous posts. If he called once a week and they talked for 10-15 minutes and she was mainly "listening" to him, that would be appropriate for a couple of months. Then he should "get a life". I would seek counseling as a couple or go alone if she won't go. She is squandering your trust. I would never do anything to betray my wifes trust in our relationship. Maybe Randy needs a little man to man?

[Perch]

Pull Randy aside and tell him to take a hike...............She'll get over it , if she doesnt , well, then you found out the easy way rather than the hard way, if you know what I mean..

Perch

[UL T-Mac]

Perfect!

[he said]

It happened very much that way to me. Trusting, she says: oh you need to grow up, I love you and the kids honey, he just needss my help. Then it comes, oh by the way, I am leaving. Baseball bat to the side of randys heads, Figure of speach only. Tell him to get the F$%^ out. if she gets mad and cannot believe your actions, they are doing IT! leave and don't look back. Grab all the cash and get ready for the storm baby, because she is a brewing. If she agrees with you,cuts off all ties with Randy, then she loves you, she is a good one, go buy her some gold.

[Nobody]

I suggest you jumpin and offer all the support you can for this man.
Reasons why
1 He is in a real bad place in his life....don't think anyone would want to be in his shoes.
2 You may not think so right now but it would likely mean alot to your wife (in the long run) to see you offer support to something she obviously has strong feelings about. I know you might not feel like it and I don't blame you but it is the right thing to do. IMHO
3 If anything were to happen between them and you had offered anything other than your utmost (well at least reasonable) support, you might be accused of being a contibuting factor. Wouldn't be true but...
4 This man needs to see a united system of support from both you and your wife not a division. Remember "United we stand - Divided we fall" goes for a marriage too.
5 By doing this, you will have supported the situation and never did anything to drive them togeather. I assume this is your main concern.
6 Your wife chose you for her husband not him so show her she made the right choice.

If doing the right thing was easy, everyone would do it all the time

[gonfishn95]

My best friends wife was my best friend when I had problems I could always talk to her, before him. He never once questioned her or me. Nothing ever went on. I would stop during the middle of day and have coffee, if I had a problem she was my confidant. She passed away a while back he still remains my best friend. We have been friends for almost 35 years. We both talk about how we miss our best friend. She was always there for me to talk too, and I miss that.
I was also married at the time and my x never once questioned her being my best friend.
I realize this guy is not your best friend, but was hers when you married her. Sometimes sex does not even factor in to these situations. She will do whats right, she did not marry him.

[Nobody]

This may be a defining moment in your YOUNG marriage. DON'T BLOW IT!!
Got kids????

[troutaholic]

COming over...when you are not there!!!!! Grab the cash, the savings account, and any other liquid assets......throw all the viable hunting/fishing equipment into the boat.....meet the ba$terd at the door and make the wife choose....have the boat rigged and ready to roll!!!


Just Rip Lips and Keep a Tight Line

[Reels]

Sometimes you have to be a cave man. Tell Randy to take a hike. It will be painfull at first, but better in the long run.

I wouldn't put her in the position to choose. They dont think like we do...


<{{}}><

[skeeter]

My wife is a Counselor and deals with this sort of thing quite often. She calls this very unhealthy and for most marriages winds up being the beginning of the end. Sad but true if it keeps up. I personally would be very jealous and would have to bring it to her attention and tell her how I feel about it. He she continues talk to him and ask him to buzz off. If none of this works pack up the boat like someone above said. Life is to short to have to deal with that sort of thing. Skeeter



Use the WALLEYE CENTRAL BUSINESS DIRECTORY "Skeeters Stuff" under marine supplies, it works!

http://www.walleyecentral.com/wcdirectory/yellowresult.php?goal=Advanced+Search&primaryField=category&category=Boat%2FMarine+Supplies&recordDis

[Boolsheet]

Tell randy to go start his life some place else. I would explain it to him strongly. Tell him to go to a minister or one of his other friends because if he keeps coming to my wife he is going to need a Dentist.

Randy knows better...he is being a d_ _ _.

[skeeter]

Reels is right about the cave man thing. Made me think how male dogs go around the yard marking their areas. Well we have to mark ours to sometimes, called setting boundries............. Skeeter

Use the WALLEYE CENTRAL BUSINESS DIRECTORY "Skeeters Stuff" under marine supplies, it works!

http://www.walleyecentral.com/wcdirectory/yellowresult.php?goal=Advanced+Search&primaryField=category&category=Boat%2FMarine+Supplies&recordDis

[River_eye]

Everybody is in overwhelming support of telling Randy to take a hike, but really, your wife will just resent you if you do that. The solution to this problem will have to be between the two of you. Your wife should choose you over some guy, but not because you told her so, but because she wants to do the right thing.

Don't any of you guys have women as genuine friends?

[Wow]

First of all, I agree with most of what is being said...although I cannot believe how many people are willing to give up on a marriage so quickly.

I think the best thing you can do is visit with Randy man to man. Explain to him what you want done and make sure he knows this is your "law". If he breaks it, you break him. Then I would tell your wife what you did and why and if she doesn't understand...well I feel for ya. I think the worst thing you can do is to ask her to choose though, like someone else said, women do not think like men and doing this could push her away from you.

Good luck, I would hate to be in your shoes...

[mudpuppy]

YOU, are supposed to be her best friend. There's not room for three in a relationship. I agree totally with Skeeters wife on this one.

Tell the guy to back off & he's causing a problem in your relationship. I went through this in my first marriage. It'll never happen again, believe me!

[Get Real]

Had my x-wife have almost the same thing happen. She told me her "friend" needed her support because he was going through a bad time. Turned out after a couple of months I find out her and her friend are playing hide the mouse. It ended with my boot in his butt and him having a couple of days in the hospital. It cost me a bunch of money for his bills and my lawyers BUT IT WAS WORTH EVERY CENT. He ran with my wife for a year and dumped her. She wanted to come back here....fat chance. I would still bust his chops if I saw him today....in fact I may go look for him and have some fun.

[John in Mn]

It’s obvious. Randy is giving your wife something you are not. Figure out what that is, give it to your wife and Randy will go away.

Or you could go this route >>>> Get yourself a Girl “Friend”.

[Grow Up]

Geezus....what a junior high school melodrama. It's obvious there is no trust in this marriage and therefore won't last anyway.

[he said]

You know....just reading all this, I am going to look up the sorry dude that needed help when I was married and kick the crap out of him just cause. My blood is just boiling. lay down your law man!! Do it NOW!!

[agree with skeeter]

I think you should ask randy and your wife what they respect more your marriage or their "friendship". Ive been here mine ended in divorce due to my wifes "friend".

[Marble Eyes]

Seems to me that if they are just being friends , and she is just giving him some moral support he would show up or call when you are there.

The Idea that he isn't and instead planning his visits when you are gone lead me to believe all aint as they say.

Hidden, motion activated cameras verify too. :)

[Do It Now]

Kick some can.....lay the law down to both of them NOW...dont be fooled...its not right...one man,one woman trouble

[JJ Mac]

Lots of advice here; some good, some bad. The only advice I would offer is to seek professional counseling. They are much more qualified. Try to get her to go as well, even if it means "admitting" that it's your fault (which it isn't). Tell her "Just like Randy, I need your support with "my" problem, so please come with me."

I'm not married, however we all have trying times in our lives and need to seek support from friends and family. But nobody needs daily and even one on one contact. That's friggin' ridiculous. As far as this Randy character goes and laying down the law, it seems to me you did this 4 years ago. Horrible about his wife, he probably needs counseling as well, but once again, from a professional, not his married female friend. Even if his intentions are purely friendship...HE KNOWS #### WELL IT BOTHERS YOU AND HE DOESN"T GIVE A #### ABOUT IT! Kicking his butt won't help, nor will laying down the law again. This is an issue that will only be worked out between you and your wife. Whatever happens through all this, stay true to yourself, your word, and your dignity.

Get that counseling, and may the Lord bless you and your marriage.

[rock2me]

MowalleyeGuy hit this one out of the park.

"Not to get all biblical or religous but my wife and I recently went through a bible study on marriage. One of the topics was how you spend time with the opposite sex. Basicly you should never put yourself into temptation and that means avoiding doing things with someone else like going to lunches, dinners, business trips, etc. Many times this can lead into doing the wrong thing.

It would be good to sit down with her and really express your concerns and why. I know she is maybe not seeing it but she needs too. Its just wrong for her to continue doing that."

Nothing might be happening now, but it will progress without an open conversation. She should not put herself in a situation like that, if you are married. End of story.

My tale: A guy at my wife's work wanted someone to talk to, while his divorce was going on. I told her, straight out, he wants more and she should keep her distance. Of course, she poo-pooed me at first. It only took a couple weeks where he wanted her to go out for drinks. We talked it over and decided she needed to keep it at a work level. She let's him know where she stands. He ends up getting real angry with her and started treating her poorly at work. In a couple of months he ends up leaving the company. My wife agrees now, that he must have been looking for more, to get that upset.

[Koldfront Kraig]

They may have the best intensions, but sooner or later if it keeps up things will change.

Men are men.....

I am very good friends with one of my best friends wife. I confide in her and can talk about anything with her.

I AM NOT over there all the time and we don't hang out together alone.

It's not a natural thing to be spending that much time with a guys wife.....


------------------------------------------------------

I work hard at underachieving….. but not too hard


Koldfront Kraig

[thunderstix]

I think you need to take Randy out and teach him how to fish. After he learns, then tell him he is half way there. And now all he needs to do is find a fishing buddy and preferrably not your wife. Coming over to your house!! As their relationship grows, I would bet I know where that leads to...Good luck with it bud.

[swantucky]

I think Randy would have gotten the message 4 years ago------shes your wife not his---time to have an up close talk with this jerk and make sure he has a good understanding that he needs to find someone else to cry to or it will end badly for him. Me I'm probably too much of a hothead to have let it get this far.

[bigstick]

Maybe you would like me to make a visit to her "friend" and properly splain things to him in a one on one situation....... REMEMBER THE CAMOFLAUGE FACE IN THE WINDOW IS MINE!!!

[rock2me]

:rotflmao:

[DiveGal]

Troubled,

From a woman's perspective, I've been trying to give your wife the benefit of the doubt. I have to admit though that I don't think anyone needs to see or talk to someone that often. I agree with JJ Mac's advice, try to get her to a PROFESSIONAL counselor. Even if nothing is going on, I think a good counselor might help her to see that regardless of her feelings for him or his for her, the situation is causing you great pain. If you care about your marriage, I hope you don't listen to the advice to "lay down the law", "she's YOUR woman", etc. etc. It borders on the ridiculous to think that any person would react well to that - I'm speaking of your wife's reaction, not Randy's. If nothing is going on between them, I wonder if that type of action on your part might push her toward him. Everyone is different, but if I were in her shoes and not doing anything wrong, I would want my husband to talk to me about it, not "lay down HIS law." Nobody, including me, can say she IS or IS NOT doing something wrong, and nobody can say that having lunch with someone WILL lead to an affair. That's just like saying, "Hey honey, since I don't trust you to have a platonic relationship with another guy, why don't you just cut off all ties with every guy you know." Really, the professional counseling is the only way to go. If you get a good one, they can help you both to communicate without making each other feel like you don't trust them.

I wish you the best of luck with this. I've been married 20 years and I always tell people that the first 5 are not bliss - they are actually the hardest.

I hope we hear back that this has been resolved and you are both happily celebrating your 5th anniversary!

[Burr]

Did you make a post about this 6 months to a year ago? Seems like I have seen this on the boards before. Are you the same poster?

Whatever you decide, just make sure you can live with your actions in the future, regardless of the outcome.

If your going to be overbearing, and command what happens in the future, can you live with that.

If your going to do nothing, can you live with that.

It used to be easier when we all just wore six-guns on our hips, these things had a way of working themselves out real quick.

[bigstick]

RIGHT ON BURR!!!!!!

[Fly Swatter]

There is trust in the marriage, it is this Randy dude that we don't trust. He is on the rebound.

[hgmeyer]

I don't know.... I may be one of the few voices that speaks up and says this..... Be sure what you are looking at and seeing is what is there...

I have a couple of women who are very close friends... I am happily married, have been for 27 years... Yup, I have a job that get's me out of the house and on the road... so If I am in the neighborhood I will call one of my friends, be they male or female and see if they have a pot of coffee.. One lady in particular, and her husband, are very good friends... He travels the country and so it is routine for him to ask me to look in on a plumbing, heating, leaking, etc. problem if he is away.... I've been to every kid's wedding and helped one of them move into college when her Dad was out of the country on business... Another couple were young parents at the same time as we were... lived across the street... two of our daughters grew up joined at the hip... We no longer live across from each other and don't see each other weekly, etc.... but whenever we are in the other's area we, either as a couple or singly, stop by... We are as close as brothers and sisters... Always have been... So, for those who imply that this will always lead somewhere else... I strongly disagree... Do I love these women... you bet.... as close as friends, as "almost family" can be loved... And, it is a better world for me that I do...

[karpbuster]

You are unregistered so I feel like you are part of my family...my Mom's side she was adopted.

But that is OK...honesty up front is always a good idea. Let's look at this logically. Your wife has a need to fill and Randy is able to do so, I am no rocket scientist, but if that is not a formula for disaster, I don't know what is. A marriage is where you and wife cleave to one another and become one. Not you, me and Randy. And I don't know, but I don't even like to have my own brother over that much.

So go and take care of it, counselor, pastor, heart to heart with Randy and wife. This situation won't work and it won't fix itself even if Randy ups and leaves tomorrow to join the French Foreign Legion.

My 2 cents.

karpbuster

[Be Careful]

If this is bothering you that much and your wife can't see how much it is affecting your emotions, she needs to rethink this over and priortize the fact that you are hurting too and you need her more than Randy! You should be her first priority. If she continues to let you hurt, my guess is that they are pi$$ing on your back and telling you that it is raining. Take that umbrella out and thump the one that's ruining your marriage!

[ffishman]

Like you pointed out, "this is a fishing site", and something smells very fishy here

24 hours in a day, 24 cans in a case, you do the math

[Fish_on]

Seems to me if she is not willing to tell the guy to keep his distance you have a serious problem on your hands.

[Erie Drifter]

“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” :shame:
Al Capone.

Bill W. (BFN)

[Jack G]

Trust your instincts and act accordingly.

Jack

[chike]

I would put a stop to this immediately. Don't be fooled by what your wife may say is just friendship. It may be on her part. I would worry about the other party in this. My wife had a friend at work who was a male and he had just had a baby about the time our kids were very small also. They both worked the night shift and so they were in charge of watching the kids during the day. He initiated a couple of meetings at the park with the kids and eventually ended up with visits to the home when I was at work during the day. I eventually found out about this and ended it like right now. Glad I did because it wasn't only a couple of weeks later when this guy wrote a letter to my wife while at work explaining to her that his intentions were of another kind. A very graphic letter. She turned the letter over to her supervisor and as far as I know has not talked to him since. He was reprimanded at work and had to go through sexual harrassment training with one more strike and he's out. He is no longer allowed to work any shift that she is on. Her exact words when I first confronted her about this were "only friends", and "harmless". As you can see she was completely wrong. I would seriously watch this as things can get out of hand fast.

[KP]

A similar thing happened to me. I choose to trust my wife and support her male friend who had just gone through a divorce. After 12 months of him coming over all the time and hanging out with...us... she moved herself and my kids into his house while I was out of town on business. Then they maxed out every credit card we had for cash, home theater and furniture. Since Minnisota is a no fault state, and my ex never had a job in her life, I was financially and emotionally cleaned out. I lost our property in Arizona to them and had to sell our property in Texas to pay our lawyers. Yes, I had to pay for her lawyer. Then the child support started which Minnesota is among the highest in the country AFTER TAX.

I seriously considered killing both of them but I realized what it would do to my kids. Instead I moved out of state to be far enough to keep from doing something stupid but close enough to see my kids every other weekend.

She's now married to the guy and had a child of their own. My daughter still lives with them, my boys on their own. I've paid an average of $20,000 a year in child support for the past 13 years not including all the medical, dental, and braces bills. One more year to go!

I hate to sound like an a$$ but women are not capable of having a male best friend because a guy with nothing to loose can say all the right things while pointing out your faults. Just like we males are not capable of having a female best friend we don't want to jump in the sack with at least once.

If I were you, I'd befriend Randy and then take him on a fishing trip to Northern Canada where he might accidently hit his head on a rock. Either that, or find a good couples counsler to discuss your feelings with. Although, that didn't work for me. She was too far gone in his world of BS.

The positive that came out of all this misery is my wife of 11 years IS my best friend. But our friendship blossomed after we got married. Before that it was mostly lust and fishing. Maybe you should just start looking for a female best friend.