"How to say it the right way without hurting feelings....."

[MN Bassfisher]

I have a situation on my hands in which I need advice on how to handle the situation:
My fishing partner most often is my bro-in-law. During the winter, I spent lots of $$$ (hundreds of dollars in new lures, sinkers, hooks,leaders, etc....) I have 3 tackle boxes full of equipment. He had a small old Plano box that held, oh - maybe 5 lures some hooks a bobber or 2 and that is about it.

When my goodies arrived, I organized my lures in various tackle boxes. Arranged them by cranks, jerks, spoons, etc.... He decided that since his collection of lures was minimal, if he could just thrown them in one of my tackle boxes...No problem, right?

Well, Big Problem. His equipment is in a tackle box that I have easily accessible in the back of the boat. This tackle box contains most of my gear as well. Especially some of new Phantoms, suicks, etc..My other 2 tackle boxes are up front with me or in my storage compartments up front. (He still gets to these)

The past 6 outings, he has lost at least 1 lure on each outing. Keep in mind these lures are not lost to fish or hang ups, but rather bad knots. I cringe when I see his cast and the lure just flies. No apology, no replacement...Throughout all of this, he uses all of my lures...No matter what tackle box it is...Ex: I throw a Rat-l-trap, catch a nice pike or bass...He goes right into that Plano box, get a rat-l-trap throws it for a bit, then there it goes flying off his line. Or, he'll go into my special box and use my spinners that alot of us pay $5-6 a piece for....

I need to know how I can approach him with out hurting feelings here. He is after all family. I just cannot take it anymore and it makes me nervous everytime we are out now. He never asks if he can use a lure, he'll just go into the tackle boxes and grab em.
I did say the other outing, "Ya know, I don't mean to be an #####, be what I am suppose to do when you lose all my lures? The wife will be all over me on why I spent another $300 on lures" Response - I know, I'll buy ya SOME lures?

All, I really need advice or a way to say it...When I fish with my friends - they are welcome to use my equipment. Difference is: They either give me money or replace what they lost. They understand the price tag associated with my gear and lures.

I really want him to bring his own gear and leave mine alone unless I see a replacement?

Anyone else face this before? I need to be delicate....

[Jim McCullough]

As a wise man once said, "People can only walk on you if you provide them a path." Why are you worried about his feelings? He doesn't seem to be worried about yours as his "bar tab" approaches $100. Tell him straight up.

[fishinnut]

Teach him how to tie some good knots; Buy replacement lures and present him the bill; If he doesn't like it, he can stay home.

[MN Bassfisher]

Funny thing is that I have showed him various knots and not to mention: I had his reel spooled @ Gander Mountain. (I paid for that too).
Your right, he probably doesn't care about my feelings. Personal thought..I think he may think that becuase I make a good living for myself, I can afford it....Well, I also have a 2 young children I am raising as well.

His wife has even told him, but I have seen Squat..Let me also add that because it is my boat, I pay for the gas (boat and truck), 90% of the time I pay for the bait as well (excuse is usually I have no cash)...Now his wife is the opposite with my wife (obviously their sisters)...If one pays for a lunch one day, the other picks it up next time. He just doesn't have a clue, I guess???

Oh yeah, on our last outing: I had 4 rods rigged and ready. I decided to use my 5th rod, which is a spinning outfit I use for walleye as we took a break from the bass and pike. He had grabbed that rod (intent to use it) but I said that I needed that rod. He said, "why do you need this rod when you have 4 over there." Clueless I suppose. The 4 rods where rigged specific to various lures or sizes, right?! I am not going to rig a baitcasting outfit, get backlashes and have trouble casting when I have the spinning rod designed for live bait fishing.. Isn' that why we have so many rods and reels?

I have to be delicate when I address this and I have to soon! He just called and asked if I wanted to go to Mille Lacs this Friday.

PS: I know even though I tell him straight up, he may still continue to ask to use lures or just grab them..

[TOm B]

This is easy. Don't take him fishing anymore. Believe me, he WILL get the message.

Seriously, you need to find another fishing partner. You choose your friends and fishing partners, you don't choose your relatives.

If your wife says something, have her read this thread.

Tom B

[Don Pfeiffer]

befor your next outing with explain to him that lures are expensive and if he loses any of your he will have to replace it. He will start to tie better knots I bet.
Don Pfeiffer

[MN Bassfisher]

My wife knows all about it and she wants me to be nice to him, therefore, the kindness needs to kick in.

Finding a new fishing partner won't be answer. Maybe asking him not to go, will give him the msg. However, he does call quite a bit to ask if we can go fishing. Shoot, he lives 10 minutes away. He would probably get the msg after about 2 weeks of not calling him knowing I am on the water.

If he has said he will but me some lures, but hasn't?????

Or, should I just tell him to bring his own tackle box with his own stuff as I cannot afford for him to lose all my lures???? - And at the same time to stay out of my stuff???

I may have answered my own thread - but just seeing what everyone has to say...

I am really scared for him to grab one of the 50 new Muskie lures I bought...$15 - $20 a lure on these puppies would probably give me a heart attack if he lost one.

Guys/Gals - he's family and we are with them all the time....Avoiding the situation would be the easy thing to do, but I cannot...He is afterall, my Bud...

[BigUgly]

Tough situation. From what I'm reading your wife wants the charity fishing trips to continue. You gotta keep the wife happy because she probably means a lot more to you than the brother-in-law. If she becomes upset with the situation you might be facing some obvious consequences. One might be that this expensive hobby of yours (and mine) will hit the skids pretty quick. If this guy consistently doesn't bring enough cash to even buy bait when you guys go out you are being taken advantage of in my opinion. Is their any way that you could involve your wife in the communication with her brother? Maybe through a third party (his wife). I know that sounds like a weenie move but it might your best bet to get your wife to fully understand your point of view. Nobody likes getting punked-out, especially by family.

Brad

[Steve @ G & S Guide Service]

I think you hit it right on the head. Just tell him that from now on, he has to use what he brings, you can't (and won't) foot the bill for him any longer. If he has a problem with that, I guess that's too bad. If your wife and his both know his behavior and won't back you on this, maybe HE needs to find a new fishing partner.

I certainly wouldn't put up with that from one of my brother in laws. Heck, I got tired of constantly buying beer and not getting any because they were visiting and drank it all. They'd look in the refrigerator and say "Hey, there's no beer!" I'd just look at them and say "Yeah, I know." Now, when they stop by, they either drink coffee or they bring their own along.

But that's just my opinion.

Steve @ G & S Guide Service and Custom Rods. http://www.herefishyfishy.com

[MN Bassfisher]

Brad - Tried the 3rd party thing...My wife has told her sister who has told him. Consistent reply is, "Ya, I know... I just haven't seen Squat...

I liked Steve's situation with the beer...You know, the guy loves Pepsi, I don't. Whenever he comes over, I never have any. Not on purpose or anything, just don't like the stuff. So, he brings his own.

Can't he bring his own tackle box? Maybe after I tell him he needs to bring his own tackle box, he'll realized how much all of the lures and accessories cost?

I mean come on, I but the hook cutter, hook outs, sharpeners, tools...shoot - I have a ##### tackle compnay with me at all times....He may know that for the sake of not buying anything due to the cost..

One remark I have gotten when a lures was flying off is:
"Why do you buy the $6-7.00 spinnerbaits, when you can buy the .99c spinnerbaits?

Hmmm.....My choice????

[DarrenB]

Tough dilemma iad interesting situation. When my buddy loses some of my lures he is cool and usually replaces it no questions asked, or else springs $20 on more lures to throw in the box. Can you reduce the amount of tackle in your boat and just bring your top 3 or 4 producers that you can keep at your end of the boat rigged or rigged on your rods? Sooner or later if there are no lures for him to use he may get wise and start bringing his own baits.

[MN Bassfisher]

Darren - I like that idea....

[BigUgly]

Well, if everything else fails you can always call The Hulbert Bros. I don't know them but from what I've read they might perform the valuable service of persuasion. Kind of like in Caddyshack when Rodney says "Moose, Rocco - help the judge find his checkbook."

Best of luck to you,

Brad

[MN Bassfisher]

Ya, could just keep some top producers. Problem is I like to have i all with me. And not to mention, I have some his lures (all fo maybe 5) in one of the tackle boxes at the back of the boat. I could just leave his in there and take mine out????? And then, I could my top producers with me at the front????

You would think he would gotten it by now?

I like the Caddyshack one.....

[Muskie Treats]

Find a new fishing partner!!!!!!! Whenever I've had freeloading friends I would just stop calling, and come up with reasons why I couldn't go with them.

You also have to take into account that he may be one of those people who just don't get it no matter what you do. If that's the case, I'd just start limiting the number of outings you spend with him and cut some of your losses.

I'd also bring less of your good tackle in the boat whenever he's coming with you. Explain to him the "less is more" philosophy of muskie fishing where the less you change lures the more time you spend fishing.

In the end I think yours stuck thou. Try to avoid the outings like the plague and try not to rock the boat too much or else those Thanksgiving dinners could get real interesting.

-Treats

P.S. If we ever do get out on tonka this year, he's not stepping foot on my boat!!!!!

[MN Bassfisher]

Treats - Trust me - he will be in with us..your boat or mine...

As for Tonka...Raised 2 fish in one of your areas..another in an area I tried and mentioned to you....Fun day it was....

[BJ]

I think that at the end of the next trip I would estimate what the cost of the day has been and tell him that his half will be expected prior to leaving on the next outing.(what has already happened is water over the dam). If this does not happen then print off this entire thread and give it to him making the remark of something like: I have run out of ideas and need your help in solving this issue, I have received numerous suggestions, however since your family I would rather resolve this between you and I without taking any advice from the following suggestions. This need's to be resolved as I don't want this to grow into something ugly and have a family blow up.

Its a tough thing to do, but I agree with some of the others ....you are been taking advantage of and unless you come up with a workable solution, your feelings will only increase with displeasure. Put a flat fee on a trip of $20 or something which you feel is correct, make it payable at the start of every trip and hopefully you can enjoy your fishing and not just see dollars signs flying in the wind.

Good Luck and be FIRM.

BJ

[Sponge]

Give him a list of what he needs to pick up before you guys fish again...what he brings is what he fishes w/....he really does need to understand his responsibilities! He can be told in a nice but firm way that things need to change...he won't stay hurt/mad forever!

[Thick Shady]

First Choice,

Print this out and give it to him.

Second choice,

Show up WITHOUT your lures just bring his 5. Use his...

[Don Knotts]

Why don't you teach him how to tie the proper knot?
If he can't handle that then ... you tie it for him.
Plus, make sure he has good line on his reel. If he doesn't then do not let him use any of your baits. You might want to consider finding a new wife if he doesn't get with the program. :+

[MN Bassfisher]

Have taught him knots, have bought him gear, have had his reels spooled with lines like Trilene XT or Power Pro and no appreciation.

I think I am going to confront him and lay down the Boat rules. You all are right, I'll continue to let him to freeload and that just doesn't sit too well with me.

I like all the ideas I have heard....I'll let you know what the response is very shortly....

[tomyv]

I've had this problem before, Here's how I dealt with it. First of all, when he calls to go next time, tell him that your "going to take a few weeks off, because it's getting to expensive with the gas, food, bait." Hopefully he will offer to kick up some cash. If this works, next time you go out, use his lures, just tell him that if you lose one of his lures, you will replace it by the time you go out again. That way it's suttle and shouldn't get anyone angry, but hopefully he will get the picture of how this is supposed to work.

[tomyv]

if none of that works, make him swim afte the next lure he loses!

[MD Musky]

Sounds like you have as much tackle as me, and probably have bunches at home also. I also suspect that his income is not what yours is. Why not rig up some of your older rods for him and also throw some unused baits (I know you have many) in a box. Tell him this is what he can use and to leave yours alone. Otherwise, I see no need to continue fishing with this person.

[MN Bassfisher]

I just thought of another one...

I had a gift certificate from Crestliner to buy some of their clothing/accessories.

So, I got myself some goodies and him a hat (17.00 retail). While this was at no cost to me, here is what i got. I gave the hat to my wife who sees here sister about everyday. He got it. Was fishing with him a few days later. He never said a word about the hat. I asked him if got the hat and liked it. Response: Oh yeah, its OK - but I am not really a hat person anymore. I said, Huh? You wear hats all the time? He tells me the hat just doesn't really fit...

You all will probably have a fiesta with this one, I know you will.
So, I told him, if your not going to wear the hat, give it back and i'll get something else like a tshirt? He said no, I'll wear it.
I got the hat back a few days later. I exchanged it and got myself another free gift for me!

Selfish? I don't think so...No appreciation, so why get him another gift?

[John H]

Here's another idea. Since he's family, I'm sure your wife gets him birthday and Christmas presents. Start buying him fishing tackle on these occasions. Essentially, start replacing the equipment that he's losing. Hopefully, he will get the hint, although from what I've read, maybe not.

Good Luck. You're going to need it.

John H.

[ToddM]

Here is one way. Next time one of your lures goes flying out of sight, throw a big tantrum. Cry, kick, holler, stomp and say that was your favorite bait. Act like a complete baby.

Here is another way. He is married to your sister. Have your sister cut him off.:+

[Ketamine]

I like John H.'s idea. Put the money you would spend on him for any occasion into tackle.

You might try telling him you're both going out to buy some goodies for fishing. Ask him how much he can spend and tell him to bring it because you're going to help him get setup. Then take him to your favorite shop and help him spend what he can. Do this a couple of times before going out with him again. When you're fishing check his knots every time. It's obviously worth your trouble. If you fix this problem it seems you've got the major issue fixed for the time-being.

We all put up with these kinds of issues because we enjoy spending time with our family and even friends. Unfortunately it appears you are consistently getting the shaft. Personally I would prefer the honest approach but it doesn't seem like this is going to work for you.

For what it's worth, twenty or thirty years from now he's going to look back and probably realize what a great guy you've been.

Good luck,
Doug

[Sponge]

DUDE!!!! This is me last response....the old addage "don't raise kane at that which YOU permit" fits the bill here... reading about the hat was the last straw! Draw the line dude...he will understand eventually...you have become an enabler, much like one who buys alcohol for one who needs help, not another drink. If you want to help him, do him a favor + cut him off....

[Jim McCullough]

Sponge hit the nail on the head. As I said in the first post, "People can only walk on you, if you provide them a path." I am going to be a little blunt here, so the easily offended should move to the next post. The problem isn't with him. It's with YOU. Just like when people see a kid who is a brat, they say that he is a bad kid. They got it all wrong. I say that he has bad parents. It's not the kids fault. They will do whatever they are allowed to do. You are guilty of being a bad parent. Spank his butt and send him to his room. If your wife doesn't like it, either tell HER to take him fishing, or tell HER to buy a tackle box for him and keep it full.

[MN Bassfisher]

Jim, while I understand your point of view. Please understand mine.
This is family. If I go about it the wronf way, I will ruin many relationships. My sister and her sister to name one....

Sure - I have let him do this. I was asking for advice, that is all.

Do you have family? Do you understand how hard it is to make a marriage work and keep the family tie going? That is what I am running into.

With that said: I am seeing him tonight as I have listed my boat rules. Should be interesting. I was up front and honest. The locks and crying and all the advice was great, but this has to stop.

Again, your input is appreciated. If I went about it the wrong way, I would have ruined a solid family nucleous. So I guess it is my fault......

[Jim McCullough]

MN,

I'm not trying to jump down your throat. There just isn't a delicate way to handle something like that. You tried all of delicate stuff and he doesn't have the courtesy to take the hint. I hope it works out for you.

[dennis b]

6/6/02
Mn. ;
Does anyone notice the Sponge man and Todd cut right to the chase????????

How much longer are you going to put up with this ?

Tell the mope that his days fishing with you are done !

Explain to your wife the items you could have bought for her
with the money wizzzzzzed away on this piece of dirt.......

Dump him!!!!!!!!

[Ketamine]

Please keep us posted how this turns out.

I must commend you, MN, on how you're attempting to handle this situation. Most of us probably wouldn't have been this patient. I am a firm believer that the family matters most and you have the right attitude by carefully reviewing your options.

Doug

[Pike4me]

I have a relative who was exactly like you describe. I emphasize, was. I enjoy being with him, but he free loaded all the time. What I did with this problem worked wonderfully. Tell him that fishing is getting pretty expensive for lures, gas, bait and all the other incidentals and that you want to start sharing the cost of the fishing excursions. Tell him that you want to start a kitty (fishing fund) that you both will contribute equally into on each trip. The fund will be used for every expense incurred for each outing. When either one of you lose a lure, buy gas & oil, food, or whatever, you pay for this all from the fund. I know, your paying for half of some of his mistakes losing lures, but this is an amicable way of sharing all the costs for fishing or any other activity you do with this relative. If he is unwilling to share the cost, then he shouldn't be invited along in the future. Good luck.