View Full Version : Favorite "clean" joke for winter blues
Texeye
03-07-2002, 08:06 PM
Two guys were out hiking and came across a big hole in the ground.They decided to see if they could tell how deep the hole was by tossing a rock down the hole.They looked around and found a rock and chunked it in the hole but heard nothing.Looking around they found a bigger rock and chunked it in the hole and still nothing! They decided they needed something bigger to toss down the hole so looking around,they spotted a cross-tie.They pulled and drug it over to the hole and let it rip.They were standing there looking and listening when a goat roared by and jumped in the hole!Both of them could not believe what they had just seen!While they were standing there looking down the hole in disbelief a fellow walks up and asks if they had seen a goat.They said ,yes ,matter of fact a goat just ran between us and jumped down this hole! Oh, the fellow said, that couldn't have been my goat!My goat was tied to a cross-tie.
TK_551
03-07-2002, 08:08 PM
That is pretty good!
Tom
#551
WAeyes
03-07-2002, 08:20 PM
Don't know how clean this is but here goes.
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are under a buck-fifty and deer nuts are under a buck.
tbomn
03-07-2002, 08:43 PM
A little boy comes home after his first day in kindergarten and told his mom that he met a new friend. His mom asked who it was, the little boy said it was a little girl that lived down the street. His mother told him that she didn't want him to play with her, he asked why?? His mother told him that her necks dirty, the little boy said, her does?
How smart are these kids today??????????;)
HEYE5
03-07-2002, 10:33 PM
I heard they arrested two 80 year old women at LAX for trying to board the plane after they discovered knitting needles in their carry-on. They said that between the two of them they could have knitted an afgan in no time.
HEYE5
A blonde is really down on her luck. She keeps passing this school where there are obviously very rich families sending their kids. Her plan is to kidnap one for ransom.
She goes by the school and hails a little boy over to talk to her. She writes a note "I have kidnapped your son. If you want him back put $25000 in a brown bag and leave under the oak tree by the school at 4:00 tomorrow - signed "the blonde".
She then pins the note on the kid and tells him to be sure his mother gets it!!!
The next day at 4:00 a brown bag appears under the tree. The blonde retrieves the bag and opens it up. Inside is $25000 and a note - "how could you do this to another blonde?"
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later..."Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No...You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later... "Da-aaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, You'll get a spanking!!"
Five minutes later..."Daaaaa-aaaaad"
"WHAT NOW!!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
gilly8000
03-08-2002, 06:59 AM
A few minutes before Church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the
front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48
years."
stevefellegy
03-08-2002, 07:20 AM
I think...mine got "dusted". lol
mr ducks
03-08-2002, 07:26 AM
Two trees growing next to each other--a birch and a beech. in between is a sapling. The birch and the beech start arguing about who's son is it--a son of a birch or a son of a beech! this fight goes on for a while and a woodpecker flys by and lands on the sapling. the birch and the beech trees decide to let the woodpecker determine whether the sapling is a son of a birch or a son of a beech. The woodpecker pecks away and finally flys to the ground with a huge smile on his face. The birch and the beech anxiously ask: is he a son of a birch or a son of a beech? The woodpecker responds: "really don't know, but it's the best piece of Ash I've ever had!!"
A koala bear decides to have a burger and a beer so he strolls into the closest pub. He orders and finishes-the bartender gives him the bill. The koala pulls out a gun and shoots the bartender dead, then gets up and starts to walk out. The bar owner has seen this happen and runs after the koala yelling "what the hay! you can't come in my bar, have a burger and shoot my bartender"!! The koala calmly says "sure I can. I'm a koala. Look it up in the dictionary." Then he strolls out. The bar owner looks it up---koala--a marsupial found in Australia that usually eats shoots and leaves.
Behle
03-08-2002, 08:14 AM
Guy walks into a bar and notices this tiny man about a foot tall playing a tiny piano on top of the bar. The guy asks the bartender about the tiny man and the bartender said he got it using his genie he had in the back room. The bartender offered the services of his genie to the guy. The guy went into the back room and the genie told him he could have one wish. The guy said "I wish I had a million bucks". The genie said that his wish had been granted. As the man left the bar he saw what must have been about a million ducks in the parking lot. He storms back into the bar and asks the bartender "Whats the deal!" "Is your genie deaf or what?" The bartender replies "Your not tellin' me anything I don't already know." "How do you think I got the 12 inch pianist?"
AquaMan
03-08-2002, 08:26 AM
Yeah, this webrage happens every year at this time. Cabin fever folks. Hey, I am heading to the "Big Easy" tomorrow morning and when I get back I want everyone to kiss and make up...hahahaha.
OK, OK, heres the joke.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole buys a new dairy cow from a farmer in Iowa. Gets is home and takes it to the barn to milk it. Grabs the teat and the cow farts. Well, Ole jumps back and looks at the cow, scratches his head and tries again. Again the cow farts when Ole grabs the teat.
Ole he jumps back again and looks that cow in the face. Just then Sven walks in and asks Ole what's going on. Ole explains what happens when he tries to milk the cow. Sven says..."Cow must be from Iowa"
Ole says, "Why yes, Sven it is. How did you know?"
ready.....
Sven's replies, "Well Ole, My wife is from Iowa, too.
;-) arararararahahaharararara..
Ya'll have a great week!
AquaMan~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just turning cash into water!
Juls_WI
03-08-2002, 08:28 AM
Moses, Jesus, and an Old Man are playing a round of golf. Moses is the first to play. He hits the ball and it goes in the drink. "Not a problem", he says. He walks to the edge of the water, raises his hands and the waters part, leaving his ball exposed and dry. He hits the ball, and it lands on the green...rolls into the cup.
"Pretty good", Jesus says to him. "Let me try it now". Jesus takes his shot, and it too ends up in the water. Jesus walks up to the pond and walks on top of the water...find his ball down below, and with a wave of his hand the ball rises and sits on top of the water with him. He takes another shot and this time it's a perfect shot...goes right into the cup.
Now, it's the Old Man's turn. He swings, and the ball hits the water...he just looks at the water with a smile on his face. Moses and Jesus look at him and ask, "So, What are you going to do now?"
Again, the Old Man just stands there with a smile on his face...as Moses and Jesus look at each other scratching their heads, an eagle flies over the water, dives down and picks up a fish. To their astonishment, the fish has the ball in it's mouth. The eagle flies over the green and drops the fish head first into the cup. It's a hole in one!
Jesus looks at the Old Man, and says, "Nice shot Dad!"
Have a good day!
Juls
stevefellegy
03-08-2002, 08:36 AM
"flat tummy"
A little boy walks into his parents bedroom, to see his mom on top of his dad, bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks "what were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies, "well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," the boy replies.
"Why is that?" mom asks, puzzled.
"WEll, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up."
lost sailor
03-08-2002, 09:51 AM
Jesus and Moses are golfing. They come to a par 3 over water, Jesus pulls a 7 iron out and Moses says "you need a 6 iron to get over the water". Jesus says "Arnold Palmer uses a 7 iron on this hole, I can make the green with a 7 iron". Jesus promptly hits the ball into the water, walks out onto the pond and picks up his ball and returns to the tee. Moses asks if he wants the 6 iron but Jesus insists "if Arnie can use a 7 iron on this hole I can too". He hits the shot and ploosh, back in the water. Jesus stomps down to the pond , walks on out over the water and starts looking for his ball.
By this time the next group comes up to the tee and one of the golfers says, "Who does that guy on the water think he is , Jesus Crist?" Moses replies , "No he thinks he's Arnold Palmer".
A pastor remarked during a sermon that you can find the answer to any of life's question in the Holy Bible. As the people were leaving the sanctuary, a woman questioned the pastor about his sermon. She stated that she knew there were some things in life that could not be answered in scripture. The pastor challenged her and said "give me an example of something that isn't in the Bible". The woman said "OK, does the Bible address PMS"? The pastor thought for a moment and said "yes it does. Scripture sais that Mary rode Joseph's a$$ all the way to Bethlehem".
gilly8000
03-08-2002, 10:52 AM
A guy walks into a pet store and asks for a unique pet. The owner suggests a centepede that likes to go to the bar for a beer every once in a while. So he buys the centepede. They get home and the guy asks his new pet if he'd like to go out for a beer. He gets no reply, so he waits a few minutes and asks the centepede again. Once again no reply. He waits a few more minutes and asks a 3rd time in a more stern voice. Finally a tiny voice replies "I heard you the first time, I'm putting on my shoes".
Crankin
03-08-2002, 11:02 AM
What does a woman say after she has had great sex?
I didn't think you would know the answer.
bob oh
03-08-2002, 11:47 AM
This boat dealer dies and goes to heaven and St. Peter welcomes him. Guy says "I don't want to come in if that old T-Mac from Montana is here!" St. Peter says, "T-Mac ain't here, he's still alive." "OK," the guys says, "but I don't want to stay if he's here cause he always beat me in those boat deals back home and I ain't gonna let his whup me here!" St. Peter tells the guy to come in and they'll look around and find him a place to stay. As they are walking by this lake the guy sees this big Lund go flying by with a big guy driving it and on his pocket it says "T-Mac - Montana's best Lund dealer". The guy is shocked! He blurts out, "Hey, I though you said T-Mac wasn't here???" St. Peter says, "That ain't T-Mac, that's only God, he just thinks he's T-Mac!!!""
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST . . . as a man sees it.
You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of
Wheaties.
Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
stevefellegy
03-08-2002, 12:23 PM
You just HAD to open the T-Mac door....lol
T-Mac and Bill Hall, a Lund dealer in Iowa, are in Bill's tiller, out on Fort Peck. They're idlin' along when I spot'em. I'm running' wide open on glass calm water, comin' up from behind'em. T-Mac, sittin' facin' the back of the boat, Hall lookin' forward, runnin' the tiller. An evil, but funny thought crosses my mind....
As I approach, still wide-open, T-Mac's eyes are growin' fast. You can just see the wheels turnin' as he realizes there's just no place to go...and he KNOWS what's comin'! I come up within 8 feet of the side their boat, when Bill, also, finally, realizes what was on it's way. I swing my boat at right angles as sharp as I can. Even God...I mean T'Mac, couldn't deflect the 100 gallons of water I sprayed in their laps.lol lol
I know payback is inevitable. But at a 1000 mile distance...I can still talk smart, T-Mac. lol lol ( are you're shoes dry yet?)
EyeJacker
03-08-2002, 12:42 PM
The Stockbroker, tired of the rat race and all the pressure, decided to leave Wall Street and bought a large cattle ranch in Montana. For the next twelve months he lived in near isolation, going to town, only rarely, for supplies. One morning, while sitting on his porch,
coffee mug in hand, his attention was focused on a wind devil dancing across the prairie. Life is good he thought. As he continued to idly stare at this whirling dervish, he realized it was an old pickup moving toward him at breakneck speed. A few moments later it came
to a screeching halt before him and out jumped a bowlegged old cowpoke in scuffed up boots, torn jeans, buttonless long sleeve shirt, tobacco stained beard, cigarette drooping from his grizzled jaw. "Howdy", he said, moseying up, "I’m your nearest neighbor, bordering you to the West ..’bout 40 miles yonder....came to invite you to my party next Saturday...all the booze you can drink, more food than you can possibly eat and all the lovin' you can handle". The stockbroker reflected for a brief moment before responding, "Sounds good", he said, thinking a little social life might be good, lest he become a hermit. "What should I wear" asked the stockbroker? "Oh, don’t matter much", replied the grizzled old coot, "Only gonna be me and you!" :)
Jack
Now that’s what I call cabin fever!
stevefellegy
03-08-2002, 12:54 PM
lol lol
Eyejacker,
On that note...I am out the door for a ride on the fourwheeler. Or else the neighbor "gal" might be in deep....lol
swede
03-08-2002, 12:55 PM
Two swedes walked into a building,---------------I can't believe one of them didn't see it.
Mahumba
03-08-2002, 01:21 PM
Who cares!!!!
Roger.
Mahumba
03-08-2002, 01:35 PM
Flatmates
A young man called John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome John's flat-mate Simon was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and Simon than met the eye. Reading his Mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flat-mates."
About a week later, Simon came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure", said John. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, John
Several days later John received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum
Lesson of the day.........Don't Ever Lie to Your Mother!
Roger Mayer
The Big Guy
03-08-2002, 03:05 PM
O.K I'll toss one in too.
Sven and Ole die in a car crash and go straight to #####. Upon arriving the devil greets them and questions why they are still wearing their heavy winter parkas in the heat and flames of #####. Ole explains that its awfully cold in Northern Minnesota in the winter and the heat actually feels "pretty good"! A bit perplexed the devil walks away but is determined to really show these two guys his wrath so he turns up the heat in ##### to high and goes back to look for the two dumb swedes. He finds them playing cribbage in their long johns having a good old time and they thank him for keeping them "cozy". Now the devil is really mad and figures they only way to get to these to guys is to turn all the heat off and freeze them into submission.
As he approaches them for the third time they are now jumping for joy and the devil asks in disbelief why they are so elated. Sven answers,
"Now that ##### is frozen over the Vikings can finally win the super bowl!"
mmillelacs
03-08-2002, 05:52 PM
did ya here about my ex-wife? she is so fat that when she goes camping, the bears hide THEIR food.
LARRY MONROE
03-08-2002, 06:41 PM
A FARMER BUYS A NEW YOUNGER ROOSTER TO REPLACE HIS AGING ONE, WHEN THE 2 MEET THE YOUNGER ROOSTER TELLS THE OLD TIMER THAT HIS TIME IS UP,THE OLD TIMER THEN CHALLENGES THE YOUNGER ROOSTER TO A RACE ,THE WINNER TO TAKE CONTROL,THE YOUNGER ROOSTER BEING COCKY ACCEPTS AND TELLS THE OLD TIMER THAT HE CAN HAVE HEAD START SO THE OLD BOY TAKES OFF THEN THE YOUNGER ONE CATCHES UP FAST JUST THEN BOOM!! THE FARMER SHOOTS THE YOUNG ROOSTER AND SAYS DARN 3RD GAY ROOSTER I'VE BOUGHT THIS WEEK.:)
bigfish1965
03-08-2002, 07:09 PM
****** WALLEYE FISHING OPENING WEEKEND ***********
Lifelong buddies Steve, Mark and Al were fishing the opening weekend of walleye in Northern Ontario. The ice was just off the lake and the fish were biting like crazy.
Steve had been consuming coffee all day, when mother nature called. Not wanting to appear like a sissy he decided to try taking a leak from the side of the boat as he had seen his buddies do so many times. Well, as you have guessed by now, Steve loses his balance and drops into the water like a stone.
Mark and Al wait a few moments to see if Steve is going to re-surface. Eventually they figure he isn't able to swim. After drawing straws, Al dives into the frigid water to save his friend. On his third dive he spots a hand reaching up from the murky bottom.
Dragging the lifeless form to the surface and into the boat exhausts Al and Mark decides he must begin CPR on his buddy. Two puffs of air later Mark yells, " Oh my God, I can't remember Steve ever having breath this bad! I can't do this anymore!"
" You idiot!", screams Al, " He's needs our help, move out of the way, I'll do it."
Two puffs later, Al stands up and states, " You know you're right, I don't remember Steve's breathe ever being this bad, and come to think of it, I don't remember him wearing this snowmobile suit, either."
Skillz
03-08-2002, 07:19 PM
Try this...
Read this out loud to someone. It will make you feel somewhat humbled.
"I am We tar Did".
(Best if written on a bar napkin)
skz
Good Fishin'!!!!
hookem
03-08-2002, 07:58 PM
IITYWTMWYBMAD
sign over a bar in North Platte,NE
(If I tell what this means will you buy me a drink)
Hey, you know what you use for bait on Mars?
Marsmellows ;>)
Jason
03-08-2002, 08:22 PM
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very
large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then
you get all of the money."
Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.
Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm
in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
Man: Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't
do all that... it's impossible!
Bartender: "Well, you asked, and I told you...those are the rules, and
your money stays in the jar."
Well, as time goes on and the man downs a few drinks, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila
with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are
streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Jason
03-08-2002, 08:22 PM
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very
large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then
you get all of the money."
Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.
Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm
in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
Man: Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't
do all that... it's impossible!
Bartender: "Well, you asked, and I told you...those are the rules, and
your money stays in the jar."
Well, as time goes on and the man downs a few drinks, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila
with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are
streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Tracy
03-08-2002, 08:53 PM
A blonde and a brunette get on an elevator in Montana. The elevator goes up two floors and stops, the door opens and T-Mac gets on in a navy blue business suit, flakes all over his shoulders. The door closes and the elevator goes up a few more floors and T-Mac gets off of the elevator. Just as the door closes again the brunette says to the blonde boy that T-Mac sure could use some "Head and Shoulders". The blonde replies.... aaaahhhhhhhh how do you give a guy shoulders?
Sorry T!
Tracy
Juls_WI
03-09-2002, 04:53 AM
Ok, I give, I haven't had enough coffee yet...I'll buy ya a drink...what does it mean?
Juls
Backwater Eddy
03-09-2002, 05:38 AM
HA!!
:D
Backwater Eddy
03-09-2002, 05:38 AM
HA!!
:D
rickn
03-09-2002, 06:03 AM
first letter of each word- if i tell youwhat this means....
Blake
03-09-2002, 06:23 AM
lol You'd better add something to the coffee.
FROGMAN
03-09-2002, 09:08 AM
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Think Spring!
Keith Segar
NPAA #260
Juls_WI
03-09-2002, 09:10 AM
LOL...ok ok, i get it...i get it...didn't even look at the first letter in his sentence in ( ). I thought he wanted a drink...lol
Anyone who knows me, knows I have a hard time with acronyms. There's just too many to remember now days.
Juls
Bob WI
03-09-2002, 10:32 AM
Why don't witches wear panties?
To a better grip on the broom.
Fishnfuul
03-09-2002, 12:48 PM
A man and his wife were having a little trouble with their relationship, so they went to see a therapist. After talking to him for some time, he said " I think I know something that might help you two out" He then told them they should try the wheelbarrow position the next time they have sex, and explained to them how to go about it. Well, the husband was 'raring to go, but the wife was a little reluctant. Finally he wore her down, and she said "OK, I'll do it, you just have to promise me two things. Anything!, the husband says. OK, she says, promise that you'll stop if it hurts me, and, that we won't go by my Moms house!
mmillelacs
03-09-2002, 07:27 PM
oh, one more thing about my ex-wife; shes so fat that she irons her pants in the driveway
stevefellegy
03-10-2002, 06:16 AM
No kiddin'? lol Sounds like you should have 'punched in' GPS coordinates, (handheld, of course), and plotted a trail, just to have sex.....
water_wolf
03-10-2002, 06:55 AM
This blonde is cruising down a country road when she spots another blonde out in the middle of a hayfield in a row boat. She slams on the brakes, backs up, stands up on her seat and yells"Hey you in the rowboat. It's dumb broads like you that give us blondes a bad name." "If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your @ss."
Rich Ferguson
Backwater Eddy
03-10-2002, 08:00 AM
HA!
T-Hee!
:D
Backwater Eddy ~ ~><sUMo> ~ ><>
http://home.talkcity.com/ResortRd/backwtr1/index.html
Blonde gets up one day and decides to change her life, she goes to haurdresser and has hair dyed black. She then hops in her car, a convertible, and goes riding in the country.
She stops on the top of a hill overlooking beautiful scenery as well as a pasture of sheep. Now that she is so intillectual she is sitting there taking it all in when the farmer asks if she is hving trouble.
She saysa, no I am very intelligent and am working out how to bring about world peace etc, if fact I am so smart that if gues how many sheep are in your pasture may I have one? Farmer says sure, why not.
She says 794. The farmer is astounded, she is correct! So he alows her to accept her winnings. She jumps over the fence, brings the critter back and throws it in the back seat.
The farmer now says lets make another bet, if I guess what color your hair was when you woke up this morning can I have my dog back??
Sure be glad to dig the boat out and do some river fishing.
TLY
I should maybe proof read messages. it's the keyboard (in most cases)
not blonde moments causing spelling errors.
yrnut
03-10-2002, 12:01 PM
Wives, do not complain about your husbands faults. It is his faults that kept him from getting a better wife in the first place. (old chinese proverb)
Reels
03-10-2002, 01:20 PM
Juls, your not a dyed brunette are you?? :-)
Just kidding, I was thinking the same thing too!
<{{}}><
Reels
03-10-2002, 01:20 PM
Juls, your not a dyed brunette are you?? :-)
Just kidding, I was thinking the same thing too!
<{{}}><
stevefellegy
03-10-2002, 02:10 PM
For the benifit of any of the blondes, redheads or....heck, beggers can't be choosers....lol
I just went for a walk in the latest snowfall,and it was so deep I was leaving 3 tracks. ??
Juls_WI
03-10-2002, 02:32 PM
PAAA-Leeeezzzzz...lol
I think I'm going to have to put some duck tape over your mouth when we fish the MWC, if you can't come up with some better jokes! Geez Steve....the topic was "favorite CLEAN jokes". You gotta get out of that house more often partner! Your brain is going goofy.
Juls
stevefellegy
03-10-2002, 02:36 PM
lol lol lol lol
It ain't hard to lure the fox outta the den...lol lol
But I agree!!lol
EyeJacker
03-10-2002, 03:55 PM
You must have been walking on your hands! :)
Jack
stevefellegy
03-10-2002, 04:44 PM
Out of fear, I will NOT comment....but I DO have a good line to come back with.lol Duck tape? Or duct tape? OOOOOOOOOh no.
Juls_WI
03-10-2002, 05:00 PM
Yeah it's duct, but on the Red Green Show it's duck...
Juls
stevefellegy
03-10-2002, 05:07 PM
Cowering....I will ask, wha wha what'sss the Re Re Red Green show?
Juls_WI
03-10-2002, 05:12 PM
PBS show...group of hilarious Canadians. Duct tape is used in every show. Not sure what time it airs or if it airs up by you. I'm sure others from WC have seen this show. It used to air on Thurs nights in Milwaukee. I haven't seen it since I got down here, but I think I heard someone say it airs on Sat. nights at 10:30 here. I haven't caught it yet.
Juls
stevefellegy
03-10-2002, 05:18 PM
As a prerequisite to fishing a tournament with you, I will watch it.
And I will fish with my Lund hard hat on...for sure.
Now cut this out!!!lol
EsoxProSport
03-10-2002, 05:24 PM
2 Blondes go on a fishin trip to Canada... on the way they stop at Cabelas, Bass Pro, Reeds, and Even The Place where T-Mac Works.. They buy lots of gear, beer, gas and oil. They arrive and fish hard for a week... the fishing is poor, on the last day one Walleye is caught weighing 2 pounds.... Its now time to go home and one of the blondes says "You know we spent nearly two-thousand dollars on this trip... That fish cost us One Thousand Dollars a Pound!!" The Second Blonde replies "Glad we didn't catch more fish!!!"
Skillz
03-10-2002, 05:29 PM
Gonna piggy back on Steve's joke...
You know you are a REAL man when you can carry 3 lawn chairs, a full cooler and a dozen doughnuts at the same time...
and last-
Ole and Swen went and bought 2 horses. They figured they better name them so they could tell them apart. After 2 weeks, the horses didn't respond, so they thought up something new. They then cut off one of the horses manes. But, again, after 2 weeks, it grew back. They then decided to try cutting off one of the horses tails. Same scenerio. 2 weeks later, it grew back. Finally, both being disgusted and frustratd with the whole thing, Ole says to Swen, Ya know something Swen, why don't you just take the black one, and I'll take the white one.
ba-dum-dum..
skz
PBS show? I thought it was the Minnesota Vikings these last few years. RED mccombs/ denny GREEN.
EyeJacker
03-10-2002, 08:24 PM
I, too, have suppressed a rejoinder. Had it typed, but, as descretion is the better part of valor, I zapped it! Keyword Hint: Juls, family
Hey, Steve, how about "IronHead" as your WC "nom de guerre"? Just a thought. :)
Jack
stevefellegy
03-10-2002, 08:31 PM
I had enough registering, lol, with my name...ain't goin' through that again.
Yeah, best stay clear since I don't swim, if ya know whatI mean.
Might end up with my plug gone outta my boat during the year or somethin'. I'm duckin' the duct tape or Red Green or something....but...
EyeJacker
03-10-2002, 08:48 PM
I hear you, Steve. I, fortunately, am a stong swimmer, having been taught by my loving father in the Mississippi some years ago, in a gunny sack filled with rocks. :)
Jack
eyewitness
03-10-2002, 11:05 PM
Steve, It's hilarious. If you watch it once or twice you'll be hooked. It's actually pretty creative humor combined with a little slapstick. It is definately adult humor for the most part.
BGunn
03-11-2002, 09:01 AM
The following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. I'm pretty sure they all will become GREAT fishermen, just by the way they keep their "FACTS" straight!
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contentel Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
stevefellegy
03-11-2002, 10:04 AM
My brother Joe has a masters in history. And he can fish too.....hmmmm? No joke! lol
Eyecrosser
03-11-2002, 12:35 PM
O.K., stop me if you've heard this one,,
A blonde takes her car to the body shop after a really bad hail storm. Trying to make a joke, the guy in the shop says "if you blow into the tail pipe, it should pop out all the dents. Thinking she had the answer, she went home, got on her knees', and proceeded to blow into the tailpipe. After about 30 minutes of heavy blowing, nothing happened. When her roomates came home, they noticed her in the driveway. When they asked her what she was up to, she told them what the man had told her to do. "How gullible are you", her one roomate said, "you have to roll up the windows first"!!
Maumeemoon
03-11-2002, 12:59 PM
A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into Lake Erie.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor
saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for.
I'm off to Europe in the morning and if
you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you,
and bring you food everyday."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a
wink, "and I'll make you happy,
and you can make ME happy." The girl nodded yes through her tears.
After all, what did she have to
lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat,
along with blankets and food. From
then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit
and and would make mad,
passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the Captain. "What the ##### are
you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. " get
free food and a trip to Europe.
Meanwhile (she say coyly), he's taking advantage of me, so to speak."
(wink, wink)
He sure as ##### is lady," the Captain said. "This is the Put-in-Bay
Ferry!"
ROTFLMAO.
Best Regards,
FHJ
Maumeemoon
03-11-2002, 01:23 PM
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, :There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
Maumeemoon
03-11-2002, 01:25 PM
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
sgtski
03-11-2002, 02:53 PM
What did the doe say when she came out of the woods????
"I'll never do that again for two bucks!"
mmillelacs
03-11-2002, 03:08 PM
2 guys were arrested for smoking pot. Appearing before the judge, he ordered both of them to go to different local high schools to talk to the kids and lecture them about the evils of drugs. A week later they again appeared before the judge. "How did you do"? he asked them. The first one replied, "Well judge, i persueded 17 kids to swear off drugs forever." "How did You do that?" the judge asked. "well your honor, I drew 2 circles on the blackboard, and i told them that the large circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "Very good" said the judge, and then he looked at the second guy and asked him how he did. "Well judge,I persueded 125 kids to swear off drugs forever." astonished, the judge asked " how did you do that?" "Well" he said, " I also drew 2 circles on the blackboard and i explained that the smaller circle is you a$$ before prison............
Pherris
03-11-2002, 03:26 PM
Alcohol Consumption - warning labels
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers
have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be
placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
heck happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without
spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.