RANGER
01-12-2001, 07:55 AM
LAST EDITED ON Jan-12-01 AT 10:27AM (CST)[p]I Know! I know! This is a Walleye Board, but I thought a little levity is needed considering some of the threads I have been reading this past couple of days. The following was sent to me by a friend and are supposed to be true transmissions, it helped.
Let's ALL take a BREAK:
> Subject: Fw: For the flyers among us > Who says pilots and controllers
> have no sense of humor?
> >
> > Following are some more accounts of actual exchanges between airline
> and
> > control towers from around the world:
> >
> > During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.Lauderdale
> > made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
> > The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew
> > screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right
> > on Charlie taxi way; you turned right on Delta.
> > Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between
> > C's and D's but get it right".
> >
> > Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
> > hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to
>
> > sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to.
>
> > You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I
>
> > want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
> tell
> > you.
> > You got that, USAir 2771??"
> >
> > The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
> >
> > Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
>
> > verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the
> > irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit
>
> > at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her
> > admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke
> > the silence and asked,
> >
> > "Wasn't I married to you once?"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on
> > downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to
> provide
> > spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained,
> > "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty
> > in this airplane?"
> >
> > Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me
> > four thousand dollars worth!"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > A DC-10 had
> > an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his
> > approach speed just a little too high.
> >
> > San Jose Tower: "American751 heavy, turn right at the end, if
> > able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101
> > and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was
> > being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
>
> > City.
> >
> > KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727,
> > one o'clock and three miles."
> >
> > Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
> >
> > KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu,
> > eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
> >
> > Delta105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl):
> > "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite
> > tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
> >
> > Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
> > immediately!!"
> >
> > Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
> > 124.7."Eastern
> >
> > 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way,
> > after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
> > of the runway."
> >
> > Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
> > 124.7.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
> >
> > Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and
> > yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a
> > short-tempered lot.
> >
> > They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but
> > how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with
> > some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following
> > exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747
> > (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
> >
> > Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt,Speedbird 206 clear
> > of the active runway."
> >
> > Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
> >
> > The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and
> > slowed to a stop.
> >
> > Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
> >
> > Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate
> > location now."
> >
> > Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird206, haff you
> > never flown to Frankfurt before?"
> >
> > Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944.
> > In another type of Boeing, but I didn't stop."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
Now! Let's turn our attention back to FISHING!
RANGER
"KEEP YOUR LINES WET, YOUR POWDER DRY and THE BEER COLD"
Let's ALL take a BREAK:
> Subject: Fw: For the flyers among us > Who says pilots and controllers
> have no sense of humor?
> >
> > Following are some more accounts of actual exchanges between airline
> and
> > control towers from around the world:
> >
> > During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.Lauderdale
> > made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
> > The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew
> > screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right
> > on Charlie taxi way; you turned right on Delta.
> > Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between
> > C's and D's but get it right".
> >
> > Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
> > hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to
>
> > sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to.
>
> > You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I
>
> > want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
> tell
> > you.
> > You got that, USAir 2771??"
> >
> > The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
> >
> > Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
>
> > verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the
> > irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit
>
> > at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her
> > admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke
> > the silence and asked,
> >
> > "Wasn't I married to you once?"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on
> > downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to
> provide
> > spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained,
> > "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty
> > in this airplane?"
> >
> > Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me
> > four thousand dollars worth!"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > A DC-10 had
> > an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his
> > approach speed just a little too high.
> >
> > San Jose Tower: "American751 heavy, turn right at the end, if
> > able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101
> > and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was
> > being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
>
> > City.
> >
> > KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727,
> > one o'clock and three miles."
> >
> > Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
> >
> > KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu,
> > eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
> >
> > Delta105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl):
> > "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite
> > tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
> >
> > Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
> > immediately!!"
> >
> > Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
> > 124.7."Eastern
> >
> > 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way,
> > after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
> > of the runway."
> >
> > Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
> > 124.7.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
> >
> > Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and
> > yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a
> > short-tempered lot.
> >
> > They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but
> > how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with
> > some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following
> > exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747
> > (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
> >
> > Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt,Speedbird 206 clear
> > of the active runway."
> >
> > Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
> >
> > The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and
> > slowed to a stop.
> >
> > Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
> >
> > Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate
> > location now."
> >
> > Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird206, haff you
> > never flown to Frankfurt before?"
> >
> > Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944.
> > In another type of Boeing, but I didn't stop."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
Now! Let's turn our attention back to FISHING!
RANGER
"KEEP YOUR LINES WET, YOUR POWDER DRY and THE BEER COLD"