AquaMan
04-18-2001, 12:24 PM
Now I know the real use of all those tools !
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate
expensive parts not far from the object you are trying to hit.
PLIERS: Used for rounding off bolt heads.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works
particularly well on boxes containing seat covers and roof material.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but also ideal for
drilling holes in bodywork immediately above brake lines or electrical
wiring.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence its course, the
more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting fire to flammable
objects in your garage. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out
of.
DRILL PRESS: A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it whizzes
round and smacks you in the chest, flinging your beer across the room,
splattering it on that freshly painted part you were
drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard?earned guitar calluses in about the
time it takes to say "Ouc..."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering the car to the ground after you
have fitted your new brake shoes, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.
EIGHT?FOOT LONG, 4 x 2 TIMBER: Used for levering the car upward off a
hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP?ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting
dog?doo off your boot.
EASY?OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill
bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
build?up. Easily dismantled for inspection by contact with
rotating fan blade.
TWO TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy device for testing the tensile
strength of linkages and fuel lines you may
have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 inch SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A tool used for transferring sulphuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your
toolbox after determining that the battery is dead as a doornail, just
as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
AF or METRIC SOCKETS: Useful for impersonating that 5/16 Whitworth
socket you've been trying to find for the last 15
minutes.
LOOSE CHANGE: Ideal for slipping alongside the flat on the head of a
bolt to get that odd size spanner to fit nice and
snugly.
INSPECTION LAMP: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the
sunshine vitamin', which is not otherwise found under cars at night.
Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
40?watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm Howitzer shells
might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: normally used to stab lids of old?style paper and
tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt. Can also
be used as the name implies, to mangle the slots in the heads of
Phillips screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy in a coal?burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty nuts last tightened 20 years ago by a
Gorilla with a scaffold tube on the spanner, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50
pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: a tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
CELLULOSE PAINT: Extremely useful for insectologists. Attracts all known
species of winged insects (plus some previously
unknown to science) within seconds, to a common point, eg: the door
panel you are spraying.
BODY FILLER: a remarkable substance possessing mystical properties. When
mixed, it either A) Stays soft and workable
until the end of time, or B) Sets like a rock in the time it takes to
pick up the phone and say "Hi, look I'm sorry I can't talk
now, I've just mixed a load ofâEUR¦ ''
AquaMan~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.·´¯° --- "It all begins and ends at the water's edge"
Eric@crowncomputerinc.com
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate
expensive parts not far from the object you are trying to hit.
PLIERS: Used for rounding off bolt heads.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works
particularly well on boxes containing seat covers and roof material.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but also ideal for
drilling holes in bodywork immediately above brake lines or electrical
wiring.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence its course, the
more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting fire to flammable
objects in your garage. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out
of.
DRILL PRESS: A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it whizzes
round and smacks you in the chest, flinging your beer across the room,
splattering it on that freshly painted part you were
drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard?earned guitar calluses in about the
time it takes to say "Ouc..."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering the car to the ground after you
have fitted your new brake shoes, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.
EIGHT?FOOT LONG, 4 x 2 TIMBER: Used for levering the car upward off a
hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP?ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting
dog?doo off your boot.
EASY?OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill
bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
build?up. Easily dismantled for inspection by contact with
rotating fan blade.
TWO TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy device for testing the tensile
strength of linkages and fuel lines you may
have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 inch SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A tool used for transferring sulphuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your
toolbox after determining that the battery is dead as a doornail, just
as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
AF or METRIC SOCKETS: Useful for impersonating that 5/16 Whitworth
socket you've been trying to find for the last 15
minutes.
LOOSE CHANGE: Ideal for slipping alongside the flat on the head of a
bolt to get that odd size spanner to fit nice and
snugly.
INSPECTION LAMP: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the
sunshine vitamin', which is not otherwise found under cars at night.
Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
40?watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm Howitzer shells
might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: normally used to stab lids of old?style paper and
tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt. Can also
be used as the name implies, to mangle the slots in the heads of
Phillips screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy in a coal?burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty nuts last tightened 20 years ago by a
Gorilla with a scaffold tube on the spanner, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50
pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: a tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
CELLULOSE PAINT: Extremely useful for insectologists. Attracts all known
species of winged insects (plus some previously
unknown to science) within seconds, to a common point, eg: the door
panel you are spraying.
BODY FILLER: a remarkable substance possessing mystical properties. When
mixed, it either A) Stays soft and workable
until the end of time, or B) Sets like a rock in the time it takes to
pick up the phone and say "Hi, look I'm sorry I can't talk
now, I've just mixed a load ofâEUR¦ ''
AquaMan~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.·´¯° --- "It all begins and ends at the water's edge"
Eric@crowncomputerinc.com