wow this hurts

[bellison]

I know this is a fishing board but right now I just need
to tell someone what happened to me over Memorial Day weekend.
I was up fishing in Ely,MN on Shagawa Lake with 3 good friends.
The brother-in-law(wifes brother),his best friend and an old
friend of the family.We had gone up for 25,26 and 27 for
fishing.We hammered the walleyes at night.Catching limits in
30 minutes or less pulling rapallas.Most were around 4-8 lbs.
Never in my life did I catch fish so fast and big.They were
all released.Did keep some eaters during the day though.Arrived home only to discover that my wife of 20 years has been having
an affair with a guy at her dealership.Man,I thought we were
as solid as anything but wow this hurts.Never had a fight and always laughed and had fun.She confessed (in great
detail)everything and whom she had done.I feel like that bug hitting my windshield on my truck.She just took her clothes out of the house and left me and her daughter high and dry.We did everything together and she said I'm the perfect husband.Nope I didn't fish much.around 5 times a year.She told me its been going on for 4 years.Wow!I never noticed nothing.Nobody else did either.she left everything.Told me to keep the house and daughter
and my black lab.Just bought her a new windstar and this guy has
been in it more than me.heavy stuff.Thank you all for just being
the special fraternity that we are:fisherpeople.Thank you for
reading this.I had to tell someone and vent.The pain is brutal and I want to throttle this guy but I have a 12 year old daughter that depends on me and I won't sink to their level.
Thank You
Brian

[skipnskul]

BUMMER!!!!Just be sure that you believe her when she says it is not your fault cause brother it ain't.I truly feel for you and your daughter.Trust in God and your world will get better you'll see. Best wishes,Mike(SKIPNSKUL)

[walleyeman]

Brian,

Hang in there brother, and don't forget about Daddys little girl.
Hope everything works out for you.

By the way you need to fish a lot more, heck my son and I were out five times last week. lol
Good luck and keep fishing.

Walleyeman.

[FireTiger]

Better off with out her,check the bank records and don't look back,walleyeman's right, fish more,hang in there it will get better,

[Mean Mike]

www.marriagebuilders.com

www.restore.org

sorry about your situation. Check out the sites and see if it is for you or not. I know how you feel.

[jimbo2]

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Just remember, you are the good one. People do things sometimes that make no sense to the rest of us, but they do them none the less. Take care of yourself and your little one, try to stay sane and stable, thats what she needs now.
Good luck and best wishes.

[derrek]

That's hard news to take. My thoughts are with you and your little girl. I don't know if she likes fishing (obviously you do). Use the water to help you both, I've always found it great therapy. Things will seem rough for awhile, but just watch how many board members reply with kind thoughts and words. They're all here for you. Don't look too far ahead, and keep us posted (on the fishing too! LOL.)

[Hunter]

You sound like a heck of a father, you are right for not stooping to theyre level. It is not your fault, I do feel for you. She doesnt deserve a man of your character!

[Skis]

My thoughts are with you. I can only imagine what this is doing to you and that daughter of yours. But you do have to be the strong one, if for no one else but your daughter. Spend as much time with her as you can for the next while. Take her fishing for some relaxation from a tense situation.

[GullGuide]

Man, that does hurt and bad!
The fact she left you everything means she knows she'd loose in a court battle. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!
Just make sure to document EVERYTHING and if you hav'nt done it already, get your savings and checking into another account PRONTO. Also cancell all credit cards etc.
If she lied to you about being faithfull you can bet she will lie to you about your finances.
Same thing happend to a good friend and she really cleaned him out...checking, savings and maxed out the cards, really ruined his credit.
Good luck to you and use fishing as therapy. It works great!
>"////=<

[fishwhenican]

Sorry to hear about this.
I echo all the thoughts express so far but would add that not only should you get cancel credit cards and close out joint bank accounts and all of that, you better get in and talk to a lawyer now. As tough as this is, it is a legal nightmare and you need someone good who will fight for you and your rights. Especially your rights as a father!
No, I am certainly not a fan of lawyers. I am far from it. But, I do not know anyone, myself included, who has gone through this where things didn't go from bad to worse. Most people need someone who can help with this legal stuff especially since you have to go through this fighting your emotions as well as do what is in the best interest of your daughter!
Best of luck to you and your daughter

[scottcny]

brian,
I can relate to your situation, all though mine had a few different twists. send me an email if you want to talk.

[cisco]

Without delay, you need to get selfish -- you need to protect yourself and especially your daughter. Courts tend to favor women in suits involving children. She does not deserve your daughter.

There are plenty of good, honest, ethical, and skilled lawyers. If possible in your area, purposely try to find a woman attorney. It may be helpful if all of you have to go to court. Get good legal advice and get it now. Don't wait, no matter how hurtful the hurt. For now, focus on you and your daughter. If something can be salvaged later in terms of relationships with your unfaithful wife, that's seconday for now.

Good luck to you and your little girl.

[RANGER]

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your daughter. You will heal and so will she. As stated in another post, maybe use the water as therapy.

From the partical side - get all your assets LOCKED DOWN - NOW! And get a good attorney - trust me on this one! I have been there.


RANGER


"KEEP YOUR LINES WET, YOUR POWDER DRY and THE BEER COLD!"

[Hawgeye]

I have to echo all the responses here. The wife may become an ex-wife, but the daughter is never an ex-daughter. If she is 12, focus your next 6 years of your life on your daughter. She will turn out a great person and a daughter and friend for life. If she is a fisherperson, take her everywhere you go. If not, do things with her that she likes to do. DOn't use her as a pawn against the estranged wife, it always backfires. I am sorry for what happened. Trust me, the first year is tough, after that, life improves drastically. Take the advice of your fellow fisherfriends, get some good legal advice here. She will have a better chance of getting everything she deserves if you know what I mean, and that is NOTHING!

[Dave in Walker]

Been there, done that, when the dust settles providing you don't get hammered by the judge, which you shouldn't, and you have good relationship with your daughter, you"ll look back at this and realize its the best thing thats ever happened, time to move on

[Airwave(OH)]

Yep I agree with Dave.. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. and I have two great boys to show for it. I know when it happened I felt like the world fell apart but it didn't and things are better than ever now. She didn't deserve you and believe this. I told myself this many times. One cannot ever really know why people do these these things and you'll drive yourself nuts trying to analize it. Obviously she didn't know what she had or wanted and she still doesn't and may never. Belive it or not you meet someone some day and you'll never even give her(EX) a thought.
Bcombs@nwonline.net if you need to talk about it.

[pwuebker]

I discovered mine had been doing it with a golf pro wanna-be. Now that's sick.

The other posts are right. Move fast to secure your assets. Grab a good lawyer. Some specialize in fathers as mine did. Knowledge is power in the divorce game. As she seems to be of the mind to let you have it all. Move quick before she changes her mind. It will cost a fortune to otherwise have to rebuild a home and all the goes into it.

I like the idea of fishing with your daughter as a healing devise.

Two cents from someone who has been there.

[vetspet(ind)]

same thing happened to me way back in the early 70's...went on a motorcycle trip to fla and returned to empty apt at purdue...no kids...everything i have heard is that if she left you and your child she abandoned the family and will have a difficult time getting custody....move asap to claim custody of your daughter.. you probably have your best shot to get it if you do it now...there is a life after something like this occurs...i have four daughters...married 26 yrs....love my profession...veterinarian for 25 yrs....do a lot of praying and hold firm...beware of going out on the town to get "yours"... you have a wonderful daughter to father and that should keep you busy ...keep your perspective...i would probably be a basket case...i will try to pray daily for you....steve

[Nancy]

I know this is a difficult time for you and your daughter and I certainly want to say that I'm impressed that you would post your request on this great board. You have several friends that care about you and your daughter and are praying for you.
I would like to add a little tip, if you and your soon ex get along now, ask your attorney about getting her to sign off everything now while she's still willing to let it all go. This may be better in the long run if this goes to court and she has had time to rethink it all and wants it all back.
Also, contact your local credit bureau and have them put a seperation notice on your ss#. This will stop her from using your ss# and ruining your rating. I know because my husbands ex used his ss# for over a year after they were divorced to get credit cards. We found this out after it was too late and it's very expensive to prosecute fraud, not to mention all the headaches trying to improve your credit rating.
It will be tough going for awhile, but believe me, you're a survivor and will have a wonderful life without her just don't leave any stones unturned now.

[hgf]

lots of good advice so far. Two more cents. Find a good counselor now, and talk about this, and how to best handle it all. Good for you, for your daughter, and good for a court battle if there is one later on. Also, keep talking to your wife. It's cheaper than lawyers talking, and you will be talking to her for a long long time yet since you have a child. Keeping the lines of communication open makes it a lot easier for your daughter, who will continue to love and care for Mom. Don't get her in the middle. Say only good things to her about Mom. It will be hard, but it will pay off in the long run. Last,, don't make final, long term decisions right now. Do it day by day right now. Your on a rollercoaster right now, and your long term thinking is impaired. Go slow. Hang in there,, it will be better later on.

[Dutchman]

Cisco's right, you need to get your ducks in a row in a hurry. I've been there done that gave my Ex wife every break in the book and I ended up getting burned....BAD. Get an attorney ASP. The pain you feel now is blinding I know, don't get me wrong you have to protect yourself, unfortunatley you're protecting yourself from someone you deeply love. The pain will fade, sometimes the love doesn't. Your daughter is the one that needs you now, just as you need to come to terms with yourself. My prayers are with you and your daughter. If you feel you need to vent please feel free to e-mail me.....

[CJHughes]

Trust in God he will give you the strength to make it through it ,get a restraining order against her protect your right to own a gun. Domestic Violence laws are tough to beat , if she isn't allowed near you she can't lie about what you didn't do .

[Fuzzy]

You are a stronger man than I. That's for sure. Couldn't bring that here. Hope we can help in this time of need. Man - you are
a strong person to be able to open up like that. Don't do any stupid like I would. Gee whiz- that just sucks.

[shbfisn/co]

A friend told me once in the same situation that it's just like when your dog dies, you will feel bad for a while, then you will get another one. Sounds simple or cold but time allways heals all,it's up to you to make the best of it.......

[beetle]

hgf said it all and he's absolutely correct. If you let it, time will heal the hurt.
herb

["COMA"]

Better check and see if your daughter is really yours. I wonder about my kids some times. Some women just cannot control themselves. It is sad, At least yours owned up to it and does not hide behind lying tears and maxed out credit cards and false tax pay ins.

[eyedoktr]

I too agree with all the above, but one thing hasn't been mentioned. Change the locks on your doors!!! My ex left me, didn't want anything, and we talked, counseled, etc. One day I came home from work and found out she had changed her mind about not wanting anything.She had taken everything of value. To top it off,she proceded to add insult to the situation by breaking all my favorite fishing rods and leaving them for me to find. Good luck and God bless. It will get better.

[Ron]

Any woman who would abandon a black lab is not worth having - better you found out sooner than later. You have been given good advice - change locks, get the best divorce attorney in town and protect yourself because spouses often change their minds later about being nice.

[Stotch]

Hey bellison,

Sorry to hear of your loss. Her Trust that is. Take a negative and turn it into a positive.

BEEN THERE, HAD IT DONE TO ME, AIN'T NO PICNIC.

Don't beat YOUR self up over HER devias, decitefull, lieing, adulterous decisions. You DO NOT have control over anyone else only your own words, thoughts and actions. Stop the negative stinking thinking pity trip.

KEEP YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME

STRIKE FAST WHILE THE IRON IS HOT

Find yourself an attorney who has been in the same sitution. Only then will you be able to understand his - her advise. Use the bar associations referral list and interview several, even if it costs $ 25 or $ 50 bucks for the first visit. Write down all of your questions and seek the attorneys answers.


Do what others have suggested such as;
- 1st be there for and take care of your daughter,
- DON'T poor mouth the wife to your daughter (only succeeds in turning your daughter away from you )
- change ALL the locks in the house
- inform all creditors of the situation and cancel all joint accounts.
- close out all joint bank accounts
- get a PFA ( protection from abuse ) order issued, so the lieing slut can't come near you or your daughter or your residence. If she violates the PFA then call police and have her butt put in jail.
- do get counseling
- do spend time w/ daughter
- do go fishing more often and take your little girl with you.

- DON'T bore your friends about the situation, they will soon get real tired of hearing it over and over again.

- DON'T TRUST the soon to be X. If she has been lieing to you for the past 4 years about something as major as this, what else has she been lieing to you about.

- DON'T believe a word that she says, she is a liar. Which lie are you going to believe.

- DON'T get involved with any other female ( DTA ) DON'T TRUST ANYONE. If you want to get into a fight, then go catch a fish, slap it across the face, turn it loose, and then you don't have to deal with the aftermath.


Stay active and try not to dwell on this issue. I know that your thoughts are all consumed with the situation and your emotions are going crazy. But above all remember, " KEEP YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME ". Time has a way of healing and YES it does get better, just AIN'T NO fun going thru what your are dealing with.

If you need to talk email me, if not then follow the advise of the attorney and the counselor.

STOTCH

[Michigander]

These Post are solid - quality advise and full of care!

Gather all your best resources, you need friends with you right now and will for some time. It's over - do not look back, do not use up any energy on her - fork in the road > it gets much better, good things will happen and in time you will hope and dream again stronger than ever before - true. Say and do no bad with respect to her - her pain has just begun and you couldn't add to what's in store for her - put up a force field that blocks and go forward with your daughter - you won't be alone.

No major decisions for 1 YEAR !

The Lord will provide - He knows ><>

[Beaver]

"Nothin` lasts forever, I know that this is true
but I never knew how true it was til I was losing you.
Maybe I`m a dreamer and maybe I`m a fool
but I never thought that love could be this careless or this cruel.
You wrestle with the reasons, but the reasons never rhyme
or comfort when the heart is in decline.
And it doesn`t really matter if it`s chance or it's design
it's gonna take some time.

You know that love don`t play no favorites
you know there's no one that's immune
'cause she changes her demeanor like the phases of the moon
No there aint no easy answers
you know there's only shades of grey.
But when it's love or it's survival I guess you
gotta get away.
And the days stretch on forever and the nights are so unkind
and endless when the heart is in decline
And it doesn't really matter if it's chance or it's design
It's gonna take some time...you know it's only gonna take some time." Dan Fogelberg

Any woman that would leave her husband and child is not worth the pain that you're feeling. You are both better off without her. The center of your world right now should be your daughter. Keep the love between the two of you alive and strong. And draw on that strength to help the both of you.
I know it feels like the end of the world right now......it's only gonna take some time....and you and your daughter will be doing fine.
You two will be in my families prayers. Cherish your daughter.
Everything will be alright.
Beav

[Mac]

WHAT A SUPPORT GROUP!!!!

I think all the advice has been given and is good.

I hope you are getting COMFORT as well as the advice from all these strangers. You don't realize how many warm, caring people there are out there until they are needed. It has been uplifting to me just to read the responses and good will and yes "love" that you have received from the fishing fraternity. I hope I can live up to that standards that I have read in the above posts.