follow-up to wow this hurts

[bellison]

First I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart
for all of the support and advice.I new I could get some class
advice of what to do from WC people.Every day has been a challenge and there are new developements all the time.
I have changed the locks.
There is an order of protection against her now.
I did let her come and get most of her clothes.again,was going to
throw them in the front yard with a sign saying free sh*t but
cannot bring myself to sink to their level.not good for my
daughter to see.
The fact that I was with her for 20yrs and not once has she called her daughter or myself just to say hi,is a real killer.
I have been told by neighbors that she has moved in with
mr. rightnow and that he lives at the end of my street.120 yards away.bigger house.painful for my little girl and me to watch.
I have set up a meeting for counseling.I believe the both of us really need it and fast.
The lawyer is working on this but,I have to say I'm scared.
I am taking my daughter fishing this weekend.I believe you folks
hit it right on the head when you say fishing eases the mind.
All of the accounts are closed.thanks for that one!!!
By the way-when does an appetite come back.This sort of thing
really drops the pounds.Though I can't spare any to drop.
She has agreed for right now to seperate peacefully(1 lawyer) but I believe she speaks with forked tongue now and man I'm scared.
Thank you again for all you kind words.
Thankyou for letting me vent...this sort of thing I could not keep to myself and it was/is killing me.I know time will heal but
I'm still in shock this happened at all.My daughter(12yo) made mac and cheese last night and it was good.I believe we will survive in time.
Thankyou again
we will keep updated because things that are comming up I cannot
keep inside and have to talk.
Brian

[Borch]

Brian,

You and your daughter will be in our families prayers. Sounds like you are doing the right things. At least you have each other. Good luck fishing and enjoy your time together this weekend.

Jeff

[Marty]

Brain,

I am a lawyer and have helped out an ocassional poster on this board. I have deep sympathy for your situation and although I am not privy to any facts other than what you have shared, I just couldn't keep quiet. Although you say she has agreed to resolve the situation peacefully, it is a horrible idea to use one lawyer to represent you both. Ethically, I can't believe a lawyer would even try that move. Too much potential for a conflict of interest. A lawyer needs to represent his or her client zealously. Representing two parties going through something like this will eventually cause the lawyer to act benefically to one person to the detriment of the other. You need to be represented! I couldn't care less about her. If the one lawyer is going to be YOUR lawyer, that's fine.

I hope everything works out and God Bless you for being such a great father.

[WAeyes]

With your wife living so close there is bound to be some problems or atleast some tense moments. Hopefully she will move elsewhere or maybe you will have to eventually. That is just too close for comfort. Good Luck adjusting to your new life.

[FireTiger]

Your soon to ex-wife moved in with her boytoy down the street!!!as soon as your free, put the house up for sale and get out of dodge,the woman has to have some serious issue's to put your family thru that,and it's only a matter of time before she gets bored and wants to stir things up,MOVE

[Stotch]

Hey Bellison,

Even thou the soon to be X has left you for some other toy keep the following in mind.

LUST turns to RUST turns to DUST.

After she is finished playing with the new toy and decides to throw it away she is going to have a reality check and attempt to reconcile with you and your daughter.

DON'T believe her, remember she has a lot of secrets from her past, she is a liar and which lie are you going to believe.

Time to move on with your life.

[RANGER]

Brian,

Another suggestion - Keep a daily ledger of EVERYTHING involving your soon-to-be-ex. Not calling the daughter, picking up her clothes, etc. The reason for this is that if this situation turns ugly, you have a chronology of behavior that could benefit you in the long run. I hope it doesn't happen here, BUT I have witnessed too many "mutual" divorces turn into Battle Royals! The boyfriend might convince her, or she can decide on her own, that she "Is entitled to everything and not just half, including your pension, health benefits and on and on..........." In actuality, in most states she is, but you can keep the damage to a minimum. I don't want to put a scare in you but this is a fact of life - PYA!! Trust me - courts are VERY simpathetic towards a women and mothers' no matter what the situation was, short of murder, for the separation. Myself, and too many of my friends have experienced this first hand. In my state it is a "two year" default divorce state and mine took 4 years!


RANGER


"KEEP YOUR LINES WET, YOUR POWDER DRY and THE BEER COLD!"

[sib]

My thoughts too! No one needs their noses rubbed in this.


"go outside and play"
sib

[cisco]

Marty is quite correct -- do not go with one lawyer. One lawyer cannot represent your interests and your wife's interests concurrently. I've seen it tried, and it always leads to disaster.

If your lawyer agrees or suggests to represent both of you, then you had better get another lawyer.

[Box]

Darn sorry that you have to go through it. I haven't had it happen, but helped a close friend. Definitely listen to what all the good people here are saying, especially on the lawyer and protect-yourself part. It sounds like you are.

And make sure you talk to your daughter a ton about it. I'm glad your not too proud to go to counselor. (Even a harley riding buddy told me it was the best thing he has done, and it helped him tons.)

All I can say is Good luck, and stay strong for yourself and your daughter. And don't believe even one word the ex will tell you. Her forked tongue WILL change.

Good fishing this weekend! :)

Box

[Airwave(OH)]

Very good advice on keeping a ledger cuz you'll never remember everything when (if) the time comes. And with her living so close I believe there will be conflict. Also one lawyer cannot represent both of you. He may be able to draw all the paper work up but she hired him and she is his primary issue. Trust me on this one...Hang tough. It'll get easier.

[Waterfowler]

Brian,
I have to strongly recommend that you get your own lawyer. I didn't during my divorce and what a mess that caused. I'll finally have my marriage paid off in 14 months. I was divorced over 4 years ago. Let me tell you from the most sincere part of me, take care of yourself and your daughter first and foremost. I know this is harsh, but she doesn't care about you two. I was tricked into thinking she wouldn't be able to support herself and I let everything go. Again this is not to scare you, just experience from someone who has been there, done that. Don't make the same mistake I did. I'm sure this is one of the hardest times of your life, I know it was for me. You will get through this. You and your daughter don't deserve what has happened, just remember that!!!! Take care and keep your chin up!!

John

[Smitty]

I completely agree with having your own lawyer. If there will only be one, make sure he knows that he is YOUR attorney.. I was able to do it with a single lawyer years ago, but even my attorney said he had to recommend that my ex get her own representation (she chose not to).. I had no kids so the legal part was much easier, but the others are right in that the grief will go away. It's been 17 years for me now & I have a wonderful wife of 12 years and 2 boys to share my fishing trips with. Sometimes can't even remember any more what it was like with my ex, seems like 100 years ago.

[GregK]

This might sound goofy but the best thing you can do is forgive her (that does not mean forget what happened). The sooner you do this the sooner your guts will return to normal and you can understand that she's the one that is screwed up. Otherwise you are enabling her to make you miserable forever. Like the guys said, get a good lawyer and take notes etc. for legal reasons but let it go. Easier said then done I understand but the sooner it happens the better you and your daughter will be for it.

Since you just got hit in face with this my best suggestion would be to talk to your employer and make arrangements for a two week (not one) vacation maybe up in Canada. I can give you a place that is pretty reasonable if you want. You and your daughter need to get away from this mess so you can sort things out.

[derrek]

I too am a lawyer, and agree with Marty that there are risks in both of you seeing one lawyer. As he said, if there's only one, he can only put on paper what you two agree upon, he can't act in either of your best interests. This is likely not what you need.

The other point Marty made is that there is a good chance of a conflict of interest, which is very true. In the jurisdiction I practice, if we have a conflict of interest, we have to withdraw totally, and cannot represent either side. If this is also true where you're from, in such a situation, in the event of a conflict, "your" lawyer could no longer be your lawyer, even if your ex got her own. You'd and up having to get a new one, and pay for him/her to get up to speed. These are probably headaches you could do without.

Before your lawyer agrees to act "in between" or meets with your ex, ask him about what his duties are in such a situation, and what he must do in the event of a conflict arising. Good ones will always explain the risks of proceeding in this fashion.

Anyway, just my 2 cents. Best of luck.

[skeeter]

I have to agree with Gregg. Forgive her, yes it sounds
stupid. But did you ever hear the story about the guy that
got bit by a poisonous snake? Well he was so mad that
the snake bit him all he could think about was to kill
that snake to get even. He took out after getting even
settle the score and the poison got to him and he died.
Had he forgiven the snake (so to speek) and got right down to business and started getting the poison out he would be
alive. You would even start to eat better. How do I know?
Been there done that! Your in our prayers!

[T-Mac]

Amen to that!
Time for "Mr. Nice Guy " is over. What you do now will affect your entire future and your daughter's. Do what is best for you and your daughter now.
Time for plan "B". Make it a good one.
Get your own Lawyer and get a good one. It is gonna get ugly. Just make sure you always remember who is at fault, despite what will get said.
Document everything she said while it is fresh in your mind.
Move quickly, friend.....it is over ..as you know it.
I am really sad for you, but you need to protect your butt and your daughter now.

[spampy]

I too am not a lawyer, but were all pullin for ya.Ditch the #####.

[fishwhenican]

Brian,

I totally agree with this lawyer and all of the other comments posted here, except maybe the forgiving part. Forgivness can come later. For now, and yes I guess I am trying to scare you, realize that unless it's a darn miracle it will get ugly! You should be scared because if you let your guard down and trust this person at all you will be sorry!!!!!
GET YOUR OWN LAWYER!!!!
Get the meanest, toughest, nastiest SOB you can find. Forget all the nice forgiving stuff for now and do NOT feel sorry for this person. The post that comments about the courts being friendly to women is so true it's scary!

From the things you describe, please do not trust this "person", and I'm being nice by using the word "person", as far as you could throw her! The fact that she has not even called her daughter really says a lot! I'm not saying you have to "Stoop to their level". I absoluty agree with you on that especially in front of your daughter. This is going to be every bit as hard on her as it is to you and probably even more so. She will need dad to get through this. But, DON'T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN!

Yes, get some counseling! You are both going to need it. There is nothing wrong with an objective third party to help you sort things out! They can and do work miricles! If money for a counselor is an issue there are a lot of services out there that are available for free or have subsidised fees based on your income! Check out Lutheren or Catholic social services! They can help.

The appetite probably won't be back for awhile. But it will come back after some healing. For now just make yourself eat and don't let this "Person" make you hurt more bacause you aren't taking care of yourself.

I wish you luck and you will be in my thoughts. Enjoy every moment fishing and doing ANYTHING with your daughter. Things will get better with time. But until that time, be strong, cover your A## and realize that even though you don't know them there are people out here who care and are on your side.

[vetspet(ind)]

the only advice i will give is that if you sell your home and move away...it is possible that your wife may win custody of your daughter and if that happens you will lose the benefits of living close by to your daughter....she has become the real focus for you right now...her life will be forever different because of your wife's decission and if your wife wins custody i would think you would eventually be happier near your daughter and you will be able to keep a better relationship with her if she is so close...just my two cents...steve

[RD]

Buddy,

20 yrs ago, I was the 12 yr old in the same situation. I did, and she will adjust and move on. It will not be easy, and will be at times scary. One of my parent's took the high ground, whenever possible. Not all the time, and she will understand if you slip. And if you will allow me, I will give you some advice from her.

Don't put her in the middle of even minor issues. Do not ever use the phrase "Tell your Mother ..." Pick up the phone and tell her your self.

Keep the same rules of discipline. Guilt will run rampant, and even the best child will be tempted to exploit it. No extra presents, or privileges because you or your ex are feeling guilty. You can not buy your daughters respect. (More directed to your ex.)

Do not argue in front of her. If trouble is brewing, send her to a friend or neighbor. She loves you both, and seeing that will hurt.

Never use her to punish the other. Do not with hold visitation rights, and if she is mad at one of you and does not want to visit you then, respect her decision and reschedule.

Good luck Brother.

RD

[Dutchman]

You're on the right track. Moving on will be tough. I had to sell my business and all my rental properties to move on. It was tough. I don't want to keep repeating what others have said but get your own attorney and protect yourself and your daughter. GET MAD!!!!! Remember she drew first blood, fight for yourself. She can no longer deceive you. As far as your appetite, it'll come back, just as all good things you deserve will come to you. Remember your in the FRONT OF THE HURRICANE, bolt yourself to the ground, and remember there are alot of people praying for you and your daughter.....

[PWaldow123]

Brian, been there, done that. Move and don't look back. Continue to take great care of yourself and your daughter. The lord takes care of those that help themselves.

Paul

[muskyhigh]

Thoughts and prayers brother, It hurts to think about it. You have friends here. Stay well and take care of the both of you. Find strength in what remains, your daughter.

[Mike McCafferty]

Brian,
I've been there. Let me share with you a poem that a dear friend Nancy shared with me recently on Father's Day.
"BITS AND PIECES"
Bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces.
People. People important to you.
People unimportant to you cross your life, touch it with love...and move on.
There are people who leave you, and you breathe a sigh of relief...and wonder why you ever came in contact with them.
There are people who leave you, and you breathe a sigh of remorse...and wonder why they had to go and leave such..a gaping..hole.
Enimies hate and move on. Friends love and move on. You think of the many who have moved into your hazy memory. You look at those present and wonder.
I believe in God's Master Plan in lives.
He moves people in and out of each others lives, and each leaves his mark on the other.
You find you are made of BITS AND PIECES of all who ever touched your life, and you are MORE because of it, and you would be less if they had not touched you.

The sun does shine again my friend!

[Mike McCafferty]

Brian,
I've been there. Let me share with you a poem that a dear friend Nancy shared with me recently on Father's Day.
"BITS AND PIECES"
Bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces.
People. People important to you.
People unimportant to you cross your life, touch it with love...and move on.
There are people who leave you, and you breathe a sigh of relief...and wonder why you ever came in contact with them.
There are people who leave you, and you breathe a sigh of remorse...and wonder why they had to go and leave such..a gaping..hole.
Enimies hate and move on. Friends love and move on. You think of the many who have moved into your hazy memory. You look at those present and wonder.
I believe in God's Master Plan in lives.
He moves people in and out of each others lives, and each leaves his mark on the other.
You find you are made of BITS AND PIECES of all who ever touched your life, and you are MORE because of it, and you would be less if they had not touched you.

The sun does shine again my friend!

[Do it do it do it!!!]

Excellent point! Keep a ledger! Times, dates, people involved etc. No heresay or a friend told me, just facts! Get your own lawyer(S).

[mkebenn]

I, too, have been there. I just want to underline what Scortch said. She WILL try to come back. BEWARE, once a liar, always a liar, and it will be even worse the second time, 'cause it WILL be partly your fault, you should have learned. My father told me this 30 years ago, I didn't listen, and I should have. Mike

[RANGER]

I'll add to that - She WILL try to come back. She WILL realize her (in her mind) entitlements and come back fighting. She WILL lay the biggest guilt-trip on you and your daughter that you can imagine! There ARE problems ahead and they WILL be underpinned by LIES! Guaranteed!

There are three main principles (among others) I was raised on, and I raised my children on them too:

1) NEVER, NEVER, NEVER give me cause to lose my TRUST in you.

2) Ignorance is tolerable; STUPIDITY is NOT!

3) First time she messed up - Shame on her. Second time? - Shame on you! Don't let her get that position on you again (shame on you)! If you DO go back to 2)__.


RANGER


"KEEP YOUR LINES WET, YOUR POWDER DRY and THE BEER COLD!"

[Michigander]

Brian,

The bigger house down the road is actually very small, the walls will squeeze in on them ( Only a Season ) - ignore, beacuse "The Worm Will Turn", not that you should ever let yourself be concerned when it does ( NO - Your living higher and good things will come - they will ). Again I'll say, THE LORD KNOWS ( Turn it all over to him and breath easy ). The pain will last a while, but your the Master of that as the days progress by using GOOD THINKING. The thing you must reolize is that YOU ARE IMPORTANT - TAKE CARE OF YOU and that little girl. Your not less important from what has happened - as important as ever and more of a reolization of that fact now.

What has happend is happing to over 50% of us / she would have done this to anyone, it wasn't anything lacking in you ///// almost all of us end up with better situations in life - true, Strengths come from this and there's a lot of nice gals out there ( Another story when your ready for our advice on that one - LOL ). She will see you doing well, she will see you totally disengaged with genuine disconnect from her, she will see you hand in hand with another who loves you and your daughter ( THE WORM WILL TURN - but you won't care ). What the fellow down the street has done is a telling on him - THE LORD KNOWS, you wouldn't want to be him !

Work through this with help and good thinking, you will like your new life within a year - she will mean nothing then /// you will be happly involved and adjusted to new things.

Make sure that you have a good Lowyer - one that Golfs with the Judge ~~~~~~~~ life isn't fair. Be sure to ask us about meeting new gals and dating when the time comes ( May have to use E-Mails for that one - LOL ) // Fear Not Brian, The Brotherhood Is Strong and The Lord Knows ><>

[Michigander]

Move fast, YOU FILE !! Get papers presented to her, and papers for her to sign off now, quick ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ get it done //// once she signs off and it's in your Attorneys hands, it's done - just a Court Date then.

GET GOOD ATTORNEY FAST - Have them served, then the papers for signing off - she might do it right now ( Not all are good / some not worth spit beyond their smile - no one will believe that - LOL ).

Within two weeks she may not live there anymore - her fun of sneaking is gone and this guy mighty actually be in shock. No matter, you don't want her back - fact !!

One-Two Punch right now !

[Tuffy18]

I fully agree with Michigander, Hit her hard and fast. The sooner you get the ball rolling the better. It might even be theripudic for you. It's unbelievable how you think you know someboby. I guess it goes to show we never really know people like we think we do. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

[Dave in Mpls]

Brian

I, too, have been there and done that. Someone once said "the best things in life are free". Well, this isn't the best thing in your life (at this time), and it sure isn't gonna be free. That being said, the most important thing for you to do at this time is to take care of yourself and your daughter, physically, mentally and spiritually. I will echo one other point - get the ball rolling on this...Good things don't always come to those who wait!

Take care, man

Regards

[Backwater Eddy]

Been there, done that......Really bites!

Same lawyer....poor idea!

Keep documented records on everything......Great idea!

Forgive and move on.......Very critical for you, and your child's well being!

Try to steer clear of new romances for a year or even longer. They tend to be a bad plan and odds are you need some time to heal a wound or two before you see straight again.

Hard to imagine but many guys end up in a situation that is the same, or even worse (God forbid) in a attempt to feel better they rush back into a relationship far too soon.

Like I said........Been there done that.....no fun!

Don't let hate eat you alive my friend, it's just not worth it.

I wish you much luck!

Backwater Eddy...><,,>

[Tennessee Jed]

My ex-wife left me 14 years ago, not for a man, but for ANY other man! Three months later, some dude got her pregnant, three months after that they got married. I hadn't seen or spoken to her after that, but TEN YEARS, two more kids, and a divorce later, she called me wanting to get back together. Of course, the answer was no!

You have to realize how psycho these people are when they have the nerve to pull such crap on someone else. She will try to come back, but regardless of the outcome, you are in a heap of trouble if you attempt to reconcile in the future.

I remarried about 18 months ago, exactly (and accidentally) 12 years to the day after my divorce was final. My wife owns a boat, and started walleye fishing with me last month. God is good, and will provide for those who believe.

[Michigander]

Brian,

Ask your Attorney about a separat Civil Lawsuit against both of them for damages - 2 years and now living down the street // there's damages in this. Many things that were yours by Marriage
and things with your daughter were stolen by these two behind your back, affecting you in many ways all that time and then total assault on you - the heart is something that can be seriously hurt from that kind of trespass and assault. Word of it would have their heads in the crapper hollering RALPH from thought of what might come - may make her sign off quick - she is not your friend // do not say any bad things to her that could be used against you later though - as you have been doing, take the higher ground ><>

[vetspet(ind)]

brian...as i read the posts...all very supportive and for that i am happy...she did you wrong...no ifs/ands/buts about that...i sense much hostility in the posts and i got to thinking about a wristband which my kids wear with the letters wwjd?...this stands for "what would Jesus do?"...somehow i don't think Jesus would seek vengeance, or retribution or hitting her hard and fast... my partner went thru a rough situation similar to yours and hired a good lawyer who is also a strong christian man...their goal was not to destroy the other party...they conducted themselves with an attitude of putting their best case forewards and leaving the rest up to God to sort out...the case was resolved in the most positive way they could have hoped for...don't know if i could have had the faith and restraint to have relied so heavily on God in a similar situation as i am a fighter and give up control in my life sparingly at times..as i look back...whenever i did rely on God to take control and let Him have it...and at the same time did my part of the work...those are the times when i can see His hand was upon me and my situation....try not to let anger get the better of this situation....focus on your daughter and keeping her ...nobody will raise her as well as you will...she is God's gift to you and will need you to comfort her at this time...go to a good church that will meet your needs at this time...open up to the pastor or elder and let them help ....pray unceasingly...and let God work this thing out...steve

[Wild Bill]

Brian,believe me,sometime in the not too distant future,you will be glad to be rid of this piece of ---- person.Do what is best for you and your daughter,and that is get your own legal representation.Fight hard.You need to understand that you are in a dogfight against a junkyard dog.

[Hammerhead Herb]

I agree. Take the boy toy to court for alienation of affections. I believe that those grounds exist in most states. That way the boy toy will put pressure on her to settle quickly.

[Bill]

Please remember that the problem is not the other guy, it is her. If it wasn't him it would just be someone else. She only really cares about herself and hurting you as she wouldn't of told you in detail about others if she didn't really want you to hurt. It may not be what you wanted to happen but its for the best because of the way she is. And she isn't capable of changing I don't believe as its been going on for so many years. Stay close to your daughter. Do things together, fish with your daughter too. And most of all stay close to the Lord for your strenght will come from him. Take care, feel free to e-mail me privately. I've been there. Bill

[Al]

I'm truely sorry for what you and your child are going through. I couldn't take time to read all of these, but one thing I've seen in others that I think is good advice........don't ever say anything bad about your ex in front of your daughter. Just stick to your guns, keep the dicipline in raising your daughter. Kids are very smart. Sooner or later (if not already) she'll figure out what a scoundrel her mother is. Talking her mother down in front of her will only put you on her mother's level in her eyes. If kind of falls in line with what one said earlier about keeping the child out of the middle. In short, take the high road...it seems if you are already on your way.