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Old 03-21-2020, 06:14 AM
Bugler Bugler is offline
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Lees Summit, MO
Posts: 1,277
Default Need Some Humor

Been trying to find some jokes to talk for a few minutes about anything except what the world is talking about. I tried to find jokes for some of you old coots here. Here is one I like. Add some of yours.

Speeding Ticket
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”

He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.

“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

“Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!”

He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

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Old 03-21-2020, 06:38 AM
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That Minnesota guy That Minnesota guy is offline
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Location: Minnesota
Posts: 5,345

Good one.
Memorial Day...... the time we remember those who sacrificed everything to give us the right to complain about our President and way of life.
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Old 03-21-2020, 08:39 AM
Hot Runr Guy Hot Runr Guy is online now
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: West Chicago, IL, USA.
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"I've got a car with a trailer hitch, and a pocket full of money. Do you want to sell that boat today, or not?"
My Mentor, Bill Michalek, circa 1975
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Old 03-21-2020, 01:59 PM
Cover Dog Cover Dog is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Chardon, Ohio
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Put a bid on a house yesterday for 230k. Someone TP’d the house overnight now the price is 850k.
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Old 03-21-2020, 03:02 PM
eriksat1 eriksat1 is offline
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: N.W. Wisconsin
Posts: 6,030

The year was 2053https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...cf5f298637.jpg

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Old 03-27-2020, 09:48 PM
PRO-V16 PRO-V16 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Grand Rapids, Mn
Posts: 220

Here's a couple for ya...
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Old 03-28-2020, 06:54 AM
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KoolBreeze KoolBreeze is offline
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hartland, Michigan, USA.
Posts: 645

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract

Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
The only time you should look down on someone is if you're trying to help them up.

Dogs....Do not ruin their sleep worrying about how to keep the objects they have, and to obtain the objects they have not.
There is nothing of value they have to bequeath except their love and their faith.
~ Eugene O'Neill ~
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Old 03-28-2020, 06:59 AM
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Baseline Baseline is online now
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Location: Northern, MN
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Anyone ever studied the Corona of the Sun?
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Old 03-28-2020, 07:09 AM
clawman clawman is online now
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Spokane WA
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When is this social distancing supposed to end?
My wife keeps trying to get back in the house.
"I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
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Old 03-28-2020, 11:51 AM
yoopertrout yoopertrout is offline
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,109

Ole and Sven were sitting at the bar one night, very drunk when suddenly Ole vomited down the front of his shirt. "Oh no" said Ole "What'll I do? This is the third time this week. Lena will divorce me."

"Don't worry" said Sven. "Here's what you do. Put a $50 bill in your front pants pocket. Tell Lena that someone else threw up on you but gave you a $50 to have the shirt cleaned. She'll throw the shirt in the laundry, spend the $50 and be happy as a clam."

"You're a genius!" says Ole who then staggers out of the bar and heads home.

Lena meets Ole at the door and says "Oh, you pig. Don't even come into the house. I'm divorcing you on Monday."

Ole says "No, no, nope, it wasn't me. Toivo came over to talk to me and puked all over my shirt. But right here in this pocket is a $50 bill he gave me to have the shirt cleaned."

"Oh really" says Lena, who reaches into his pocket. She looks at the money and says "But there's two $50 bills here."

"Oh yeah" says Ole. He sh*t my pants too.
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