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  #1  
Old 03-21-2020, 06:14 AM
Bugler Bugler is offline
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Default Need Some Humor

Been trying to find some jokes to talk for a few minutes about anything except what the world is talking about. I tried to find jokes for some of you old coots here. Here is one I like. Add some of yours.

Speeding Ticket
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”

He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.

“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

“Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!”

He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

**********************************************
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  #2  
Old 03-21-2020, 06:38 AM
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That Minnesota guy That Minnesota guy is offline
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Good one.
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  #3  
Old 03-21-2020, 08:39 AM
Hot Runr Guy Hot Runr Guy is online now
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Hrg
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  #4  
Old 03-21-2020, 01:59 PM
Cover Dog Cover Dog is offline
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Put a bid on a house yesterday for 230k. Someone TP’d the house overnight now the price is 850k.
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  #5  
Old 03-21-2020, 03:02 PM
eriksat1 eriksat1 is offline
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The year was 2053https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...cf5f298637.jpg

Sent from my LML713DL using Tapatalk
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  #6  
Old 03-27-2020, 09:48 PM
PRO-V16 PRO-V16 is offline
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Here's a couple for ya...
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  #7  
Old 03-28-2020, 06:54 AM
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KoolBreeze KoolBreeze is offline
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The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract


Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.


To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
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Old 03-28-2020, 06:59 AM
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Anyone ever studied the Corona of the Sun?
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Old 03-28-2020, 07:09 AM
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When is this social distancing supposed to end?
My wife keeps trying to get back in the house.
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Old 03-28-2020, 11:51 AM
yoopertrout yoopertrout is offline
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Ole and Sven were sitting at the bar one night, very drunk when suddenly Ole vomited down the front of his shirt. "Oh no" said Ole "What'll I do? This is the third time this week. Lena will divorce me."

"Don't worry" said Sven. "Here's what you do. Put a $50 bill in your front pants pocket. Tell Lena that someone else threw up on you but gave you a $50 to have the shirt cleaned. She'll throw the shirt in the laundry, spend the $50 and be happy as a clam."

"You're a genius!" says Ole who then staggers out of the bar and heads home.

Lena meets Ole at the door and says "Oh, you pig. Don't even come into the house. I'm divorcing you on Monday."

Ole says "No, no, nope, it wasn't me. Toivo came over to talk to me and puked all over my shirt. But right here in this pocket is a $50 bill he gave me to have the shirt cleaned."

"Oh really" says Lena, who reaches into his pocket. She looks at the money and says "But there's two $50 bills here."

"Oh yeah" says Ole. He sh*t my pants too.
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